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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28094103">Serendipity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelandair/pseuds/aelandair'>aelandair</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatiesGhost/pseuds/KatiesGhost'>KatiesGhost</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Angst, Brendol Hux Being a Jerk, Brendol Hux Dies, Fluff, Intense Eye Contact and other Victorian Shenanigans, Light Smut, M/M, Minor Character Death, Period Typical Attitudes, Pining, late 19th century</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:29:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28094103</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelandair/pseuds/aelandair, https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatiesGhost/pseuds/KatiesGhost</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.<br/>Hux seems to be the only one who doesn't agree with that sentiment. While he wants to live his life in peace, Brendol wants nothing more than for Hux to finally get married. Rey Solo, the young daughter of a wealthy and reputable family, would be the perfect candidate. But Hux is much more interested in her older brother, Benjamin. As Hux reluctantly courts Rey and finds himself quickly falling for Ben, he has to ask himself what lengths he is willing to go to to find true happiness.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Kylux Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Here it is, our Big Bang collab! Written by aelandair, who can be found on <a href="https://twitter.com/aelandair">twitter</a>, with absolutely stunning art by KatiesGhost, who you can find on <a href="https://katiesghosts.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/katiesghosts">twitter</a>! </p><p>Content warnings for the fic in general, and for specific chapters, can be found in the end notes! If you feel like there are any tags missing or you have any questions, just say so!</p><p>Also, just a quick disclaimer, this is not a Pride &amp; Prejudice AU!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dancers are twirling around the room, dresses and jewellery glinting in the lights, an explosion of colour. Heavy perfume, the smell of alcohol and sweet foods hangs in the air, and laughter and conversation mixes with the music, making everything loud, joyful. People are excited, happy, the night far from over, and it feels as if everyone is waiting for something grand to happen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Armitage Hux has never wanted to be elsewhere more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows he should be in a good mood, but he’s never particularly enjoyed balls. The pleasant conversation and faked smiles are exhausting, and he doesn’t care for dancing. Not that his opinion matters. There is nothing he can do to escape, not yet, not with his father keeping a watchful eye out for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he weaves through the people crowded at the edge of the dancefloor, his arm entangled with Phasma’s, he can feel a headache coming on. The noise around him feels suffocating, and every time he hears another exaggerated laugh, his mood drops further. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something sharp nudges against his ribs, and he scowls. Phasma’s elbow is digging into him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re going to frighten these poor girls if you keep looking like that,” she whispers, barely loud enough for him to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux’s frown deepens. “Maybe that’s what I want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Phasma raises an eyebrow at him, and he sighs. He knows he should at least make an effort, knows that Phasma is trying to help him, knows that she would rather leave, too. With great effort, he forces a smile, and Phasma nods approvingly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Much better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She keeps walking, then, and Hux has no choice but to go with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, he should be grateful. She knows people, and he needs her connections, needs to be introduced to young women, needs to dance as much as possible. His father’s voice still echoes in his head, his sharp words, </span>
  <em>
    <span>You need to find a wife, Armitage</span>
  </em>
  <span>, said over and over again. Hux knows he can’t put it off forever, and he knows his father wants him to socialise, to mingle and talk and dance. As much as Hux wants to leave, he simply can’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he lets Phasma pull him around the room, introduce him to young women in expensive dresses with wide smiles on their faces, bows and smiles and asks for a dance, then lets Phasma pull him along again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is, without question, one of the most tedious things he’s ever had to endure. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loses count after a while, faces and names blurring together, just lets himself be swept along. It’s hot, the air stale, and Hux could do with a drink. Before he has the chance to voice his wish, however, Phasma pulls him into a new conversation. It takes everything Hux has in him to not audibly groan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you met my dear friend?” he hears Phasma ask the girl in front of them. “This is Armitage Hux. Hux, this is Miss Rey Solo.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux bows, smiles. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Solo.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey Solo tips her head, smiles back. “Thank you, Mr Hux.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s seen her before, briefly, at other gatherings much like this one, but has never talked to her. His father would be pleased, Hux knows, that Phasma has introduced them. The Solo family is wealthy, and they have good connections, good standing, everything Brendol could possibly want. Hux allows himself to look at her more closely, makes sure to pay attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s wearing a pretty dress, fine details stitched into the fabric, and her brown hair is pulled around her head in an elaborate updo. Her smile is open, her eyes twinkling. Everything about her is pretty, very much so, and still, Hux can’t find it in himself to care. Still, he bends forwards, because that’s what his father would want him to do, and asks, “Will you do me the honor and dance with me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With pleasure, sir,” she responds, voice clear, pleasant, controlled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wait until the next dance, making conversation, everything about it pleasant and controlled. Hux hates it with a burning passion, but he makes an effort, because he has to. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to talk to her. He quickly realizes that they don’t have much to talk </span>
  <em>
    <span>about</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and that she only offers the most superficial of information about herself, only asks plain questions. Almost like she would rather be elsewhere, too, and is only putting up with all of it because she has to. As soon as Hux realizes this particular detail about Rey Solo, he finds her instantly more bearable than the rest of the ball guests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the time comes, he leads her to the dancefloor, and they take their place among the other dancers. Hux smiles at her, somewhat strained, and she smiles back, polite but not overly invested, and they wait for the music to start. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In all honesty, Hux is not a particularly good dancer. He knows how to do it, the different steps and formations burned into his memory, has danced enough to last a lifetime, if he may say so. But he’s never excelled at it. It’s hard to excel at something he doesn’t care for. Though he won’t embarrass himself or his partner, he also knows that there are much better dancers, many men who enjoy it far more than he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they take their first steps, he knows, right away, that Miss Rey notices his lack of enthusiasm, and that his dancing is less than perfect. There’s a sharpness to her gaze suddenly, like she can’t believe how stiff he moves, and that she has to endure it for the next minutes. He doesn’t know whether to be offended or amused, because no one has ever shown so openly that they don’t want to dance with him. It is, he decides, refreshing, in a way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you enjoying yourself, Miss?” Hux asks as they move together and around each other to the music. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am, thank you,” she responds, but Hux thinks she doesn’t entirely mean it. Her smile, much like her gaze, has a certain sharpness to it now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The best course of action, Hux decides, is to return it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And are you enjoying yourself?” she asks back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very much so.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lie slides off his lips smoothly. Hux knows that she knows that he doesn’t mean it. She nods at him briefly, and they keep dancing, quiet now. At least she isn’t trying to make conversation they both wouldn’t enjoy. Hux appreciates that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They dance somewhat stiffly, and they don’t talk any more. It is, by far, the most enjoyable dance of the evening, which still isn’t very enjoyable, but at least he doesn’t hate it. Miss Rey is a good dancer, and her polite indifference means that, at least for a short while, Hux doesn’t have to talk. He’s more grateful for that than he would have thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the music ends, they stop, standing in front of each other, and Hux bows politely. She does the same in return, and Hux offers her his arm. She takes it with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where to, Miss?” he asks, and watches as she takes a look around the room, then points in the direction of the back, where he knows there are several comfortable seats lined up against the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux obliges, starts leading her away from the dance floor and through the crowd. Even though he hates it here, he still has manners, and he can’t just leave her standing. Paying attention not to run into anyone or step on Miss Rey’s dress, they make their way over to her wanted destination in silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of looking for an empty seat, though, she starts pulling him along suddenly, and Hux is briefly taken aback by her purposeful movements. She doesn’t seem to care about that, just keeps walking towards a settee that is already taken. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben!” she calls out, uncaring of proper etiquette, and the sitting person looks up, then stands just as Hux and Miss Rey come to a stop in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a brief moment, Hux is taken aback by the stranger in front of him. He’s tall, dark haired, wearing a displeased scowl on his face, and absolutely gorgeous in his expensive, well-fitted suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are no words, no thoughts, left in Hux’s head. All he can do is stare, try to take in everything about this man. He’s being incredibly impolite, he knows that, and also acting like a tool, and he’s embarrassed about it, but he can’t stop himself. There’s just something intriguing about him, about his appearance, something that makes Hux incapable of looking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man stares back, his gaze intense. It sends a shiver down Hux’s spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben, have you met Mr Hux?” Miss Rey says, pulling him from his reverie. “Mr Hux, meet my brother, Benjamin Solo.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man, her brother, Benjamin Solo, grunts, noncommittally. Hux looks at his face again, and he can see the resemblance now. Then he swallows, because Benjamin Solo is still staring at him rather intently, and he looks distinctly unhappy. Hux is not sure what to make of that, nor the way this stare makes all the hairs on his body stand up, but he knows it can’t mean anything good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pleased to meet you, Mr Solo,” Hux says, as polite as he can manage, as simple as he can manage, not showing any of the rather complicated emotions he’s currently experiencing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of saying anything, Mr Solo just nods, then turns away from Hux towards his sister. There seems to be an entire conversation happening between the two without a single word uttered, and Hux can’t do anything but stand there in silence and wait for them to be done. The entire situation is absurd, and Hux feels out of his depth, with no idea how to behave around the siblings, suddenly. They clearly don’t care about propriety all that much, and it confuses him to no end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally Miss Rey turns towards him again and inclines her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was a pleasure dancing with you, Mr Hux. We must leave now, but I hope you’ll enjoy the remainder of the evening.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s smiling at him, and Hux makes himself smile back, bowing his head slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. Thank you for doing me the honor of dancing with me. It was a pleasure meeting both of you, Miss Solo, Mr Solo.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods at her brother too, not expecting to get an answer, but then he opens his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. You too, Mr Hux,” he says, and Hux feels his breath get stuck in his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin Solo’s voice is… pleasant, to say the least. Deep and rich, and Hux would like to hear more of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he has the chance to process this ridiculous wish, or say anything else, or do anything at all, the siblings turn around, arms linked together, and walk away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux’s mouth drops open in surprise, he can’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes follow them as they make her way through the crowd; Rey Solo, small and bright, a skip in her step, and Benjamin Solo, big and dark and looming. People step out of their way, and Hux can’t blame them. There is something about them that draws attention and demands respect. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can’t stop himself from paying special attention to Benjamin Solo, his retreating form, suit clinging to his broad shoulders and pants favourably accentuating his behind. As soon as he notices what he’s doing, Hux flushes, and blinks, trying to shake himself out of his strange trance, and then the siblings vanish around a corner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lets out a relieved breath, some strange feeling he can’t place churning in his stomach. His heart is beating faster than it should, and he feels warm. He can’t stop thinking about the way Benjamin looked at him, and that’s bad, he knows it’s bad. He should think about Rey. He should go back and find Phasma, let himself be introduced to more girls. He should find someone to dance, and socialize, and make his father happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t do any of that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he walks in the opposite direction of the siblings, towards a big double wing door leading out to the garden. He needs air, to clear his head, needs to not be surrounded by sweaty bodies and laughter and the terrible music that’s been grating on his nerves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most of all, he needs to stop thinking about Benjamin Solo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The carriage ride is tense and quiet, the only sound the wheels rolling over uneven ground, an occasional shout or the horses neighing. It isn’t quite dark outside yet, the days already getting longer and warmer. Summer is right around the corner, the Season is only just getting started. Hux knows that soon, his days and nights will be filled with endless balls and dinner parties and walks in the park, and he will be too busy to even think about how much he despises every second of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But things are still quieter right now, and he’s had a few blissfully empty days after the last ball to regain his composure and gather enough energy for this next outing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, his father had heard about his dance with Rey Solo. There aren’t many things his father doesn’t know about, and Hux doesn’t know why he’d been surprised when his father talked to him about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol Hux’s face had been stern as he said, “I will make sure that you’re introduced to her properly at Lady Holdo’s dinner party. This is an opportunity you cannot let go to waste, Armitage.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hux had nodded, because there wasn’t much else he could do. He’d been dreading the dinner party ever since that conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They must be close to Lady Holdo’s residence by now. Hux lets himself get lost in the sight of buildings and pedestrians passing by outside the carriage window, enjoying the last few minutes of silence before he has to spend the rest of the evening in the company of nobles and businessmen and all sorts of important people he doesn’t like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Armitage,” his father’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts, sounding stern and dangerous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux sits up straighter on instinct, a habit ingrained in him in his youth and impossible to shake even in his adult life. It’s better like this, because he doubts his father would allow him to slip up even now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No missteps tonight, boy,” his father says, and Hux feels himself bristle. At twenty-six, he’s not a boy anymore, not that his father would ever pass up an opportunity to make him feel as small as possible. Brendol either doesn’t notice anything, or he doesn’t care, and keeps going. “You’re not going to embarrass me tonight. It is an honor that we are invited to Amilyn Holdo’s dinner, and you will not ruin this for us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux nods, like he knows he’s supposed to. “Yes, father.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you will talk to the Solo girl. Her family is influential, and she would be a good match. I will make sure you’ll have the opportunity to get to know her. You better take it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, father,” Hux says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol nods and looks away again, and Hux clenches his jaw. He wishes he could tell his father exactly what he thinks about his plans, but he can’t, and soon the carriage comes to a stop, and Hux has to swallow all of his unpleasant feelings down. They sit in his stomach, heavy and festering and impossible to ignore, but he does what he needs to do and smooths out his forehead as he steps out into the warm evening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They are led into the house by a servant in an impeccable suit, and Hux tries not to look around too much. He’s seen the Holdo estate from afar before, but he’s never been inside. It’s a grand building, old and elegant, and the interior is bright and dripping with wealth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The parlour they step into is big, and filled with guests in pretty evening gowns. Conversation is already flowing freely, and Hux takes a moment to look around the room, take in the furniture and the colourful rugs and the paintings on the wall. The guests are scattered around the room, talking and laughing, and a few of them look up as Hux and his father enter the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of them, Hux realizes, is Benjamin Solo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is standing in the far corner of the room, alone, away from everybody else. His arms are crossed in front of his broad chest, and he’s leaning against the wall, shoulders slouching, frown on his face. His gaze is intent, and focused solely on Hux. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux feels himself flush at the attention, but he cannot bring himself to look away. Just like last time, he thinks that there is something utterly intriguing about this man, something that makes his stomach flutter. He knows that’s not good, knows he should put a stop to it, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a cough next to him, and Hux looks around, startled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol is glaring at him, his mouth pulled down, a warning etched into the way his brows furrow. Hux lowers his eyes, apologetic, and follows Brendol towards a small cluster of people. There, next to Amilyn Holdo, and between acquaintances and people Hux has never talked to before, is Rey Solo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She is, again, wearing a pretty, modern dress in light colours with copious embellishments, and her hair is done in several complicated braids that are pinned to her head. She smiles, and she looks, objectively, gorgeous, and Hux feels his heart sink, because no matter how hard he tries, no matter how often he tries, he simply cannot bring himself to be interested. Not in her, and not in any other woman he has ever met. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He barely pays attention as he’s introduced to everyone, just nods and smiles and forgets the names as soon as he’s heard them. The only ones he remembers are Leia Organa, who stands next to her daughter in a simpler dress but with her hair in a much more complicated updo, and Han Solo, who looks good in his well-tailored suit, but incredibly out of place. Hux makes an effort to be especially nice to them, and to Miss Rey, but he doesn’t miss the way they all eye him with a certain sharpness in their gazes, something mistrustful, maybe. It must run in the family, because they all look at him the same way. Hux files it away for later, and ignores it for now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take long for another servant to enter the room and announce that dinner will be served now, and soon they are led through another corridor into a lavishly decorated dining room. The heavy wooden table is set with expensive cutlery, candles placed strategically to make the whole room glow in a warm and welcoming light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is, truly, beautiful, and Hux glances around appreciatively as he takes his assigned seat. Though he despises evenings like this, he can at least admit that Holdo has exceptional taste. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He notices, then, as everyone settles down and the food is served, that somehow, his father has managed to get Miss Rey seated next to him. Hux tries not to grimace, the thought of having to make conversation with her between courses souring his mood again. It sours even more as he notices that Benjamin Solo is sitting across from them, and that he is glaring at Hux again, completely unabashed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns at him, but he doesn’t turn away, and his intense gaze makes Hux stomach swoop. He wishes he could say something, wishes he could ask him why he’s looking at Hux like this, but he can’t, and then someone places his food in front of him, and he pointedly looks away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can feel the heaviness of Benjamin Solo’s eyes on him as he starts eating, and it takes every ounce of self control he has to not stare back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While they wait for the next course, Hux turns towards Miss Rey, and finds that she is already looking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you are having an enjoyable evening, Miss,” he says, trying hard to smile, trying to ignore how her brother is still looking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiles back, briefly. “Yes, it is quite enjoyable.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t say any more than that, and Hux doesn’t try to talk to her again until the next course is over and done with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The food is quite delicious, don’t you think so?” And he knows that’s bland and boring, and that his father would be furious if he was paying attention, because how dare Hux not make more of an effort, but he can’t think of anything else to say. Because the way he’s still being watched is unfairly distracting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is,” Miss Rey agrees with him. It seems like that is all she is going to say, but then she sits up straighter and turns her head towards him. “How are you enjoying the Season so far, Mr Hux?” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish it was over already, because there is nothing I despise more.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The words are sitting on the tip of his tongue, ready to be said out loud, but Hux swallows them down at the last second. Instead of voicing his thoughts and grimacing, he forces a smile that he knows doesn’t seem sincere, and says: “It’s been wonderful so far. Don’t you agree?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The smile she gives him is incredibly sweet. “Yes, absolutely delightful.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then she turns away from him, ending the conversation so deliberately Hux can’t help but gape. He doesn’t remember ever being turned down so blatantly, and he is as shocked as he is relieved about this turn of events. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The look on his face must be comical, because there’s a snort across the table, an inelegant sound, and Hux schools his features and whips his head around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking straight at him is, of course, Benjamin Solo, trying and failing to hide a mischievous smirk.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns at him, cheeks reddening. For a moment, they look at each other, Hux embarrassed, and Benjamin Solo with a twinkle in his eyes. This is the first time he’s looked anything but completely morose, and Hux finds that he likes it, the way his face seems to smooth out when he’s not frowning at everything around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face starts burning even hotter at that thought, and he knows Benjamin Solo must notice, because his lips quirk up slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux’s heart stutters in his chest, and he pointedly looks away, brows drawn down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon, the next course is brought in, and Hux is silently grateful for the distraction. He stares resolutely at his plate as he eats, and he tries hard not to look up. He really does try. He tells himself he will not look up again, will not look in Benjamin Solo’s direction, no matter how curious he is to see what expression he might be wearing now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he can still feel the nervous itch that tells him he’s being watched, and there’s not much else for him to do. And so he tries not to look up, and he fails, miserably, again and again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux barely pays any attention to Miss Rey for the rest of dinner, doesn’t turn towards her and attempt to talk to her again in between courses. It’s clear she’s not interested, her body always slightly turned away from him, and Hux doesn’t think he could concentrate enough to hold a proper conversation right now anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he keeps looking at her brother, more often than he would like to admit. And, every time, without fail, he is already looking at Hux. He doesn’t seem to talk to anyone at the table, or do anything, really, except wolf down his food and stare at Hux.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The whole thing is incredibly unnerving, and it sends shivers down Hux’s spine more than once, but he’s not sure he dislikes it. This intense attention, this interest. He doesn’t want to think about it too much, because he doesn’t know what it means, and he doesn’t know how he should act, whether he should return the stares or not, what it will mean if he looks, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s all too confusing, and it leaves him with an anxious feeling sitting in the pit of his stomach, making it harder to eat as the evening goes on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least the food is good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is so absorbed in his own thoughts and in trying not to think about the Solo boy that he barely even notices when the women leave the room after dinner, and the men pull out their cigarettes and pass around liquor. Their voices get louder and their laughter more boisterous. It’s tedious, and exhausting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father starts throwing him pointed glances, a reminder that Hux has a role to play and that he cannot allow himself any slip-ups, and it makes the feeling in his stomach get heavier. He wants nothing more than to be alone for a moment, to escape the noise and his father’s scrutiny and the heavy stare he can still feel but refuses to acknowledge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But before he can start to excuse himself, the man sitting across from his father, Mr Canady, ropes him into a discussion about hunting, much to his chagrin. Hunting is maybe the only thing he hates more than dinner parties. He has never seen the appeal, and most men he knows who go out to hunt aren’t even any good at it, just ride around on their horses posturing and trying to seem impressive, but in the end only looking pathetic. And Canady is a wholly unpleasant person, incredibly tedious to talk to. Of course, Hux doesn’t voice any of his thoughts. What he does is nod along and hum in acknowledgement and agree at the right parts, and imagines Canady falling off his horse on his next hunting trip. The image cheers him up a bit, but not much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After what feels like hours, his father finally turns away from him, and shortly after, Canady finds a new guest to annoy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux slips away from the dinner table as fast as he can. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He makes his way to the far end of the room, where a double wing glass door is almost hidden behind thick velvet curtains. They lead out to a balcony, just like he expected, and as he steps outside into the mild evening air and closes the door behind him, the noises finally muffled, he can’t help but let out a relieved sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns around. And freezes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin Solo is standing in front of him, looking at him with wide eyes, completely still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stare at each other for a long moment. Hux can’t make himself move, the unexpected company stopping all thoughts in his head. The thought of being alone with him out here is making Hux nervous, for reasons he can’t discern. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux swallows, heavily, makes an effort to stand up straighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apologies. I didn’t realize someone else was out here. I’ll leave you alone,” Hux says, after what feels like ages, and he sounds more relaxed than he thought he would, more relaxed than he feels. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moves to turn around and go back inside, when a voice stops him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’s all right. Stay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux looks back at him, the deep sound of his voice making Hux shiver slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure, Mr Solo?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He winces, and Hux furrows his brows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Hux asks, confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like being called that. It makes me sound like I’m my father.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can understand that sentiment. He has complicated feelings about sharing a name with his father, none of which he ever wants to examine too closely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm. Benjamin, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still doesn’t look entirely happy, but at least he doesn’t look as unhappy as before, so Benjamin it is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux takes a moment to study him, trying to discern if he really wants Hux to stay out here, but the expression on his face seems sincere enough, more open than he’s looked all evening. Taking a deep breath, Hux walks over to him to stand by the balcony’s stone railing. The grand estate gardens lie peacefully in the darkness below, flowers and greenery climbing up the side of the house, along the balcony. Soft light falls through the windows, casting a gentle glow on everything. It’s nice out here, pretty, and a welcome relief from the chaos of the dinner party. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux feels himself relax, feels the tension in his shoulders drain away as he and Benjamin stand next to each other in silence, looking out into the darkness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And… are you enjoying the party, Mr Hux?” Benjamin asks after a while. He stumbles over his words, as if he isn’t sure whether he’s saying the right thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux chuckles. “Just Hux will do. And no. I’m not enjoying the party at all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux figures there’s no reason for him to lie, and is proven right when Benjamin snorts, the sound making Hux smile, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Hux asks. He’d noticed Benjamin’s discomfort inside, of course, but he’s curious to know more. Not just about why he dislikes the dinner party, but also about everything else. What he enjoys. Why he kept staring at Hux like he couldn’t stand him, and then asked him to stay, and is smiling at him now. There are too many unknowns when it comes to Benjamin Solo, and Hux knows he shouldn’t be as intrigued as he is, but he can’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin shrugs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of these people… they’re so arrogant, so self-absorbed. They care for nothing but themselves, and they aren’t even very interesting to begin with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux nods in agreement, can’t help the way his lips twist in disdain as he thinks about the rich men and women sitting inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why are you not enjoying your evening? Hux,” Benjamin asks, adds the name as if he’s testing out how it feels on his tongue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For much the same reasons. As you said, the company isn’t particularly entertaining, and their endless posturing gets on my nerves.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the back of his head, there’s a voice that sounds suspiciously like his father telling him he should keep his dissatisfaction to himself. But Benjamin doesn’t seem to mind, and Hux feels pent-up, has to voice his feelings lest he explode. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It really is tedious. There are so many better ways to spend the evening,” Benjamin muses, contempt clear in his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if on cue, a raucous burst of laughter travels through the glass door, and Hux frowns, clicks his tongue disapprovingly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dear Lord, they’re so loud I can hardly hear my own thoughts,” he grumbles, gesticulating. “And they just love hearing the sound of their own voices. Mr Canady keeps talking to me about </span>
  <em>
    <span>hunting</span>
  </em>
  <span>, as if that’s something I’m even remotely interested in. That man is insufferable, and all the others too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a huff of bitter laughter next to him, and then Benjamin’s voice, deep and pleasant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Idiots, every last one of them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux hums in agreement. It occurs to him that this is their first real conversation, and they’re getting along much better than he would have expected. It makes a pleasant feeling spread in his chest, one that he doesn’t want to examine too closely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They fall silent again, and it’s companionable, relaxed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux glances over at Benjamin, and finds that he’s being watched again. Now that they’re alone, he allows himself to look back more freely, allows himself to study the soft swoop of dark hair falling over Benjamin’s face, his defined and unusual features, moles speckled over fair skin, lips very red and plush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That last observation makes blood rush to his face, and Hux reprimands himself for noticing it at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it’s hard not to. With the warm light illuminating his face, Benjamin does look quite lovely, and there’s an intensity in his gaze that has Hux shivering despite the warmth of the evening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re all alone out here. No one can see them. Hux is suddenly acutely aware of that fact, and how it’d be very easy to step closer to Benjamin. But he doesn’t, instead just swallows and averts his eyes, because it doesn’t matter how good looking Benjamin is and how he keeps looking at Hux. It does not matter at all, because whatever half formed ideas his head may be having, they are, without a doubt, all bad, and very wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I must admit, I thought you’d fit right in with this bunch at first,” Benjamin says suddenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns. “What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I first saw you at that ball, I thought you were just like them. Uptight.” Benjamin smirks. “Boring.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux gasps, affronted, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>how dare he</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Hux is </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>like these men- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin laughs, once, short, the sound loud in the still evening, and then smiles, just a slight quirk of his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad I was wrong,” he admits, and he seems so genuine, face so open all of a sudden, that Hux has to swallow again, throat dry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a heavy feeling in his chest, one that he doesn’t like at all, one that he would rather not be feeling right now, not when he’s with Benjamin Solo, alone on this balcony, with the smell of soft spring flowers and gently glimmering lights surrounding them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wants to flee, suddenly, just so that he doesn’t have to feel like this anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, Hux stays where he is, not looking away from Benjamin’s face, helpless as the feeling grows and settles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>General warnings for this story:<br/>- canon-typical verbal abuse from Brendol occurs multiple times throughout the story, this will be warned for in more detail if necessary<br/>- Hux has some complicated emotions about his sexuality, wishing at times he could be interested in women to make his life easier, but none of this is depicted extremely negatively or in a self-deprecating way<br/>- Multiple references to Hux being sexually active with other, unnamed male characters in the past<br/>- Some rather conservative views about marriage, women and homosexuality are presented throughout the story, though none of it is very dark</p><p>Some of these are also already present in this chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warnings can be found in the end notes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hux is thinking about Benjamin again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s been trying not to, and he’s been mostly successful, but sometimes, his thoughts wander nonetheless. They’ve seen each other a handful of times since that dinner party, but haven’t had the chance to talk again properly. Hux isn’t sure why that bothers him, but it does. He’s surprised to find that he did actually enjoy talking to Benjamin, and that he’d like to do it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns a page of his book, then realizes that he can’t remember anything he just read, and sighs, before he remembers that he isn’t alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Armitage,” his father says, voice cold, disapproving.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apologies.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux makes his voice sound emotionless, because that’s what he knows is expected of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gets back to his book, reads the last page again, sits in utter silence. But before he can get immersed in the story again, or let his mind wander once more, Brendol clears his throat, making Hux look up at him with rapt attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” he says, and he doesn’t sound like this is something he’s looking forward to. Hux has to agree. He can imagine a hundred things that would be more pleasant than a conversation with his father. Getting pushed in front of a carriage is one of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about?” he asks, letting none of his true thoughts show. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Solo girl.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux swallows, frowns. He’s seen Miss Rey too, but hasn’t had much opportunity to talk to her, either. It seems the Solo siblings are quite popular among the upper class. It doesn’t surprise Hux, not really. They are, undoubtedly, very intriguing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol keeps talking, and he doesn’t look happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you to make more of an effort with her. She must have plenty of suitors lined up to try and win her hand in marriage, but you have to be the one she chooses, do you understand that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux nods, and puts his book aside, and sits up straighter in his plush armchair. He doesn’t say anything. Brendol is frowning deeper now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> to get married to this girl, and you need to do it soon,” Brendol says urgently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, Hux nods. “Yes, sir.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t have people gossiping about this family any more than they already do. They will start wondering why you haven’t gotten yourself a wife yet. Are you listening to me, boy? Do you understand the importance of this? I don’t want the family name stained by this sort of thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux bites the inside of his cheek, nods again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, he wonders whether his father knows. Knows that he has never looked at a woman with any interest, and about the times he sneaked out of the house, spent nights in secret back rooms, shrouded in plumes of cigar smoke and sweet perfume, sharing his body with other men. He’s always been careful, has never been caught. He can’t allow himself to be caught.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, if his father knew, he wouldn’t allow Hux to keep living in this house, to keep living the life he knows, maybe to keep living at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But sometimes, in moments like these, he can’t help but wonder if Brendol suspects something. The way he looks at Hux… it seems dangerous, threatening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Answer me, Armitage,” Brendol demands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux swallows around the lump that has suddenly formed in his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, sir. I understand why it is important for me to marry her. I promise I will not disappoint you in that matter.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol scoffs, and Hux realizes what he said, and that it was stupid, but he doesn’t correct himself. For a moment, Brendol stares at him, and then he looks down at the newspaper in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meet with her. Make arrangements. I will see to it that you are welcomed at her house. If you don’t start taking this seriously, I will be very angry, Armitage.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t look at Hux while he says it. Hux tries not to sigh, picks his book up again, the conversation over. His eyes won’t focus on the page. His mind is a mess, thoughts whirling and wandering. He doesn’t want to meet Miss Rey. He doesn’t want to court her, and he especially doesn’t want to marry her. The only positive thing that comes to mind about this entire damned situation is that he might see Benjamin again. And that thought is one he should not be having, he shouldn’t be looking forward to meeting him again as much as he does. He doesn’t like the way he can’t stop thinking about Benjamin Solo. Nothing good is going to come from this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns at his book, and tries to empty his mind, tries to only concentrate on the words he’s reading. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He mostly succeeds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Solo estate is nothing short of breathtaking. It’s beautiful, all light stone and tall windows, columns and balconies and intricate stucco patterns, and the front lawn is overflowing with greenery and wildflowers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux has never been here before, and has to try a lot harder than he would like to stop himself from staring. The inside is just as pretty and opulent as the outside. It reeks of wealth, and usually, that would make him angry, but now it just impresses him. The house seems welcoming, somehow, and that is a surprise. All the light colours, the sun falling through the windows… it’s the opposite of his family home, which is decorated almost entirely in dark, rich tones and always seems glum to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A servant leads him through the hallways and towards a salon that is just as sun filled and warm as the rest of the house. There, on a settee, reading a book, is Miss Rey. In the armchair next to her, holding a book of his own, is Benjamin. They both look up when Hux enters the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the sight of Benjamin, Hux’s breath stutters, and he isn’t entirely sure why.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has spent the days leading up to the visit trying to convince himself that he didn’t care whether he would see Benjamin again, and that it’d be better if he didn’t, because Hux is here for Miss Rey and not for her brother, but now that Benjamin is sitting right in front of him, Hux can’t help the pleased warm feeling that’s spreading in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ignores it, tries very hard to not let his gaze linger on Benjamin, and looks at his sister instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Miss Rey is, as always, impeccably dressed, and her hair is once again tied up. She smiles at him, puts her book down. Hux smiles back at her, bows, greets her and her brother and sits in an empty armchair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is, he must admit, still surprised she accepted his request for a visit. In the few times they’ve talked, she never seemed all that interested in Hux, and yet here they are, meeting at her home, to get to know each other more. As much as he didn’t expect it, he’s still relieved. Mostly because this means he still has a chance. And perhaps, a little bit because her brother is here, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr Hux, I hope you won’t mind my brother keeping us company for the duration of your visit?” Miss Rey asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all, Miss.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite himself, he glances over at Benjamin, who has gone back to his book. The sleeves of his white dress shirt are pushed up to his elbows, his colourful vest hugging his body nicely. Nothing about him indicates that he is paying any attention to Hux at all. Except, maybe, the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth, barely there. Hux notices it anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s tea and snacks on a small table in front of them, and they both get a cup, drink in silence. Miss Rey is watching him, her warm eyes narrowed slightly, as if she is trying to figure him out, trying to look right into him and pull apart all the thoughts in his head, every little thing that makes him tick. It’s unnerving, the intensity of her stare, and Hux notices that it’s the same way Benjamin has looked at him many times now. The difference between them is that Benjamin’s gaze on him makes a hot shiver run down his spine, and Miss Rey just makes him want to leave. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the silence becomes too uncomfortable, her stare too oppressing and the whisper of the pages being turned too unnerving, Hux clears his throat. Miss Rey tilts her head to the side, like a curious bird. Benjamin shifts in his chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux opens his mouth, tries to find something to say, but comes up empty. He has an entire life of practice for situations like this one, but for reasons he doesn’t understand, he can’t form a clear thought, can’t think of a single thing to say to her that wouldn’t be dreadfully boring and mundane. And the presence of Benjamin is unfairly distracting. Despite the fact that he isn’t doing anything except sitting in his chair and reading quietly, Hux can barely stop looking at him. Waiting for something, maybe. For what, he doesn’t know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux glances around the room, his eyes falling on the book Miss Rey had been reading, and he latches onto it like a lifeline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What have you been reading, Miss, if you don’t mind me asking?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice doesn’t sound strained, even though he feels wound tight and uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Miss Rey’s eyes widen in surprise, clearly not having expected that question. She glances down at her book, then back up at him, and there’s the slightest hint of a smile on her lips. Then she holds up the book, so he can get a look at the cover and title, and looks at him expectantly. Hux can’t say he’s surprised by her choice in reading material. He knows of the book, a recently released romance story that has gathered quite some disapproval, as far as he knows. He hums and tilts his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“An interesting choice.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why is that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, isn’t it quite the controversial novel?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think it is. I guess it depends on whether or not you consider a woman marrying the man she loves to be controversial,” Miss Rey replies, a slight smirk on her lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux chuckles despite himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some people would say it is,” he says, thinking of his father and his many demands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps it is time for these opinions to change.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The way Miss Rey looks at him, the passion in her eyes, surprises him, though maybe it shouldn’t. Hux knows by now that she doesn’t care for convention, has seen it in the way she turns away from conversations and dances when she wants to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah,” Hux says, after taking a moment longer to study her, and he can’t help but smirk a bit, too. “So you’re a revolutionary, then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her laughter is loud and light and sudden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could say that, yes. Does it bother you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not at all,” Hux responds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s refreshing, in a way, that she doesn’t mince her words, and Hux thinks, for a moment, about change. About not marrying her, ignoring what his father wants, doing what he pleases instead. He looks at Benjamin, then, involuntary, and his stomach turns over the moment he catches himself. The smile on his face becomes strained, and wrenches his gaze away, hopes Miss Rey doesn’t notice his change in demeanor. The glimmer in her eyes tells him she does, though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you a revolutionary yourself, Mr Hux?” she asks, voice soft now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux shakes his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have time for revolutions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What a pity. Overthrowing convention is such a fun pastime,” Benjamin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux’s breath catches at the sound of his voice, deadpan yet light, and Hux isn’t sure whether he’s joking or not, until he allows himself to look at Benjamin, see the smile on his face. Benjamin raises his eyes from his book and looks at Hux, looks straight at him, maybe through him, the same way his sister did earlier, and Hux feels it again; that rapid beat of his heart tumbling around in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallows. Doesn’t say anything, can’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence stretches on, weighs heavily on them, and he doesn’t look away, and neither does Benjamin. Miss Rey is silent, maybe, or she could be talking and Hux just doesn’t notice. He feels stuck in time, stuck in this heavy gaze, stuck as he allows his eyes to sweep over Benjamin, categorize every feature as he is examined in return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like a century before he can finally turn away, before he can finally draw a proper breath again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Conversation is both easier and more difficult after that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something seems to be different, Miss Rey speaking her thoughts freely, some of them unusual and outrageous, and Hux allows himself to be more honest too, if only a little bit. Benjamin stays mostly quiet, but Hux can’t ignore him, looks at him again and again, finds himself being watched already every time. It’s like the dinner party all over again, except it’s not, because they’re sitting much closer now, and the way Benjamin looks at him doesn’t seem so disgruntled anymore, seems more pleasantly intrigued now. Hux tries not to read too much into it, reminds himself time and again that he should be paying attention only to Miss Rey. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when he leaves later in the day, when he sits in the carriage taking him back home, he realizes that he’s smiling. And though he enjoyed talking to her, which came much to his surprise, Miss Rey isn’t the one who put that smile there. And he knows that he shouldn’t be smiling, not because of Benjamin. But he can’t bring himself to stop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is the way it goes for a while: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux visits Miss Rey, and they talk, and drink tea, and Benjamin sits next to them, sometimes reading, but more and more participating in conversation. He’s freer with his smiles, and Hux has to look away every time Benjamin directs one of these smiles at him, lest he give himself away, heart racing and face feeling unusually red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As summer descends upon the city, the days get warmer and longer, and the nobles, it seems, even more enthusiastic about their excessive festivities. Hux spends more hours than he thinks is humane in stuffy ballrooms and salons, at dinner parties and even one very reluctant weekend hunting trip. He gets dragged around the city, to the opera and the theatre, and manages to worm his way out of trips to some less dignified establishments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, everywhere he goes, there’s Benjamin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They end up next to each other again and again, seemingly brought together by an invisible force. Or maybe Hux has just grown attuned to Benjamin’s presence and seeks him out. He isn’t entirely sure, and that scares him, and really, he doesn’t want to know why he keeps on meeting Benjamin in the chaos of it all, but he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The worst thing about it is that, the more he gets to know him, the more he enjoys Benjamin’s company. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thoughts are preposterous, even sacrilegious at times, and he has no qualms voicing them all, brash and with no regard for proper etiquette. It shocks Hux as much as it intrigues him, the way Benjamin doesn’t seem to have a single care in the world for how others perceive him. If anything, sometimes it seems like Benjamin’s sole goal in life is to offend stuck up, stuffy nobles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he’s funny, if he wants to be. He makes Hux laugh on many occasions, manages to make surprised amusement burst out of him, and Hux isn’t sure he’s ever laughed this much in his life. He never thought he was the sort of person to have a sense of humor, but apparently he does, and Benjamin understands it perfectly. Whenever Hux laughs about something, Benjamin looks at him with a sort of mysterious twinkling in his eyes that makes Hux feel warm all over, and it’s both pleasant and scary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This doesn’t mean Benjamin isn’t also absolutely infuriating at times. His brashness and lack of tact, the way he pouts, his temper quick to rise, makes Hux’s hackles rise sometimes, and they’ve been very close to shouting at each other on more occasions than Hux can count. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s moments like these, when Benjamin says something thoughtless, spitting poison like a weapon, when he makes Hux so angry he can barely think straight, that a part of Hux feels almost glad. In moments like these, Hux can convince himself that this is it; this is the moment their peculiar little friendship shatters into a thousand pieces, and they won’t meet again, won’t talk again, won’t even look at each other again. It would be so much easier, if whatever is happening between them, whatever is happening with Hux whenever he’s near Benjamin, would just end already. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it never does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They always pick up the pieces again, put them back together, not with particular enthusiasm or much effort, but it seems to work out. They’re both stubborn, and hot-headed, but in the end, one or the other will give in, and they come back to each other, and it all starts anew. It’s like they can’t stay away, like moths drawn to a flame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All things considered, Benjamin shouldn’t appeal to him. He seems like the epitome of what Hux doesn’t want in his life. He’s the exact opposite of what should interest Hux, the way he acts completely unfit for someone like Hux. He’s different from all the other men Hux has been with in the past. The fact that Hux even finds himself drawing that comparison should be enough to tell him to stay away, find someone else, a nameless man for a brief encounter to get his head on straight again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But despite everything, he feels an irresistible tug, pulling him towards Benjamin, and he can’t look away, can’t stay away, can’t do what he knows would be best for him. For them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He visits Phasma regularly, and one time accidentally slips up, mentions Benjamin when he hadn’t planned to. Phasma takes one look at him, and somehow </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It leaves Hux feeling like he might be suffocating, his skin itchy, because he shouldn’t want Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And yet, he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re dancing around each other, sometimes quite literally, and they talk and stare and stand too close, let touches linger, brief enough that it could be an accident, and it all makes Hux burn with an intensity he hadn't thought possible. He wants to be closer and farther away at the same time, wants to get lost in their little game and end it before it can turn into something more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time passes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux doesn’t say anything, and neither does Benjamin, so Hux can never be sure, can never know for certain. But the way Benjamin looks at Hux tells him they both </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tinkling of glasses and clatter of cutlery, the deep laughter and deep voices, are all sounds Hux is used to. It’s a dinner party like every other, except he can’t slip away, because it’s happening at his house, and if he left his father’s guests, </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> guests, he’d never hear the end of it. There’s cigarette smoke hanging heavily in the air, and liquor sloshing around, and the men who remain in the dining room after dinner is over and the women retreat into the parlor are more than a little tipsy. It all annoys Hux to no end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he knows it would be infinitely worse if he were alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He isn’t alone right now. Benjamin is here too, because of course Brendol had invited his whole family. Can’t pass up an opportunity to push Hux closer to Miss Rey, of course. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Hux had spent more time looking at her brother instead of making pleasant conversation with her, reveling in the way Benjamin smirked at him every time Hux said something he found amusing. They’re talking now, too, voices low, mocking everyone around them when they can get away with it, acting like they can do no wrong when someone else is paying attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin’s presence makes all of this more bearable. But there’s also his father’s presence, and Hux can feel the way Brendol keeps looking at him, and there’s something in his face that doesn’t seem pleased at all. Hux doesn’t want to admit that it’s making him nervous, especially because he doesn’t quite know what he has done to earn his father’s ire. Just the possibility that Brendol might have caught on to something… but no. There’s nothing happening, nothing suspicious or untoward, so there’s nothing for Brendol to catch on </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Hux has made sure of that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take long for Brendol to turn away from the conversation he’d been having, and towards Hux instead. His voice is low enough that only Hux hears it, but there’s a warning there, suppressed anger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You barely talked to the Solo girl all night,” Brendol hisses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux swallows, nods. There’s no point denying it, he knows he didn’t, and he knows his father knows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I decided to host this get-together so you could make some progress, boy. Not flail about with her useless brother,” Brendol continues, and Hux grits his teeth against the sudden anger flaring in him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, sir,” he says, quietly, instead of telling Brendol he can shove his attempts at match-making up his own behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to make a scene, but I will tell you this: You’re on very thin ice. If you don’t get engaged to her soon, there will be consequences. Do you hear me? You have to get married, Armitage.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Hux responds, with more force than necessary, more force than is probably smart. But he is getting so tired of his father’s constant nagging. He looks at Brendol with determination, if only to hide the annoyance he’s feeling. “I know, and I will. I know how important this is. And I’m talking to her, I’m meeting her, regularly. These things take time, father. I would appreciate it if you would let me do things at my own pace. I can guarantee you that I will be married soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows he shouldn’t have said that. He should have just nodded, and agreed, and shown repentance for not doing what his father expected. He can tell, with the way Brendol’s nostrils flare in barely suppressed fury, that he’ll have to pay for mouthing off later. But right now, they have guests, and a facade to hold up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You better make good on that, boy,” Brendol grumbles, before he turns away again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one has noticed their conversation, thankfully. Hux allows himself to breathe a small sigh of relief, and turns back towards Benjamin, ready to let himself be distracted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Benjamin is gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns at the empty seat, then looks around the room, unease settling inside of him. Benjamin is nowhere to be found. Logically, Hux knows he shouldn’t care, and shouldn’t pay attention to it. He should stay where he is, and socialize, attempt to make it up to his father. But his father isn’t paying attention to him anymore, is downing his glass of liquor rather quickly, and Hux takes the opportunity. He slips away from the table without being noticed, and leaves the dining room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks up and down the hallway, but one side leads to a dead end, so he walks in the other direction, trying not to appear too ruffled in case he runs into someone. Hux has lived in this house his entire life, knows every corner by heart, but right now, looking for Benjamin, it seems foreign and strange. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take him long to find Benjamin. He’s in a deserted hallway, halfway between the dining room and the entrance, leaning against a windowsill, looking out into the darkness. His shoulders are tense, and he’s biting his lips, the sight of which shouldn’t make warmth tingle down Hux’s spine, but does anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you leave?” Hux asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hates the way he sounds, somehow insecure, and he doesn’t want to admit that Benjamin’s sudden retreat has left him unnerved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin turns around very slowly. The sound of voices and laughter can still be heard faintly, but they are completely alone. It shouldn’t feel as suffocating as it does. There’s a heaviness in the air that Hux doesn’t like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to be alone,” Benjamin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He isn’t looking at Hux, and that is maybe the most unnerving thing, because he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>looking at Hux. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux nods, doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t know what to say. He feels a sudden urgency, to do what, he doesn’t know. Except he feels like he has to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” he starts, then stops, no words coming to mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stand there in silence, both deep in thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you still want to be alone?” Hux finally manages to ask. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin frowns, full lips pulled down in a pout. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux almost gasps, affronted. The rejection in Benjamin’s voice is clear, but Hux doesn’t know what caused it, and he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like it at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m not leaving,” he says, knowing he sounds like a petulant child, unwilling to change it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin bristles, then huffs and turns away from him again, and that replaces the unease Hux had been feeling with anger. He doesn’t like to be dismissed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you tell me what is wrong with you?” Hux asks, challenging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin laughs, once, short and bitter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong with me? There’s nothing wrong with me,” he grumbles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’re certainly acting like there is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The way I act doesn’t concern you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns. “What? Why doesn’t it? Aren’t we- aren’t we friends?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saying the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends </span>
  </em>
  <span>is harder than it should be, and it rolls over his tongue all wrong. He ignores the way he hesitated before he said it, because it was nothing, it’s nothing, they’re friends. Nothing more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least Hux thought they were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the way Benjamin scoffs suddenly, he isn’t so sure anymore. Something in Hux’s chest feels heavy and he’s cold despite the fact that it’s summer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, well, I thought we were-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then Benjamin breaks off with a sound that’s almost a growl, and hits the windowsill with his palm. The sound is loud, echoes through the hallway and reverberates inside Hux’s head. He doesn’t know what to say. He just knows that he’s angry, and scared, and confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin swivels around so fast it takes Hux a great amount of effort not to flinch, and the look on his face is… pained, maybe. Hux can’t be sure. He suddenly feels like he doesn’t know Benjamin as well as he thought he did, and the expression he’s wearing makes the heaviness in Hux’s chest worse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hux. I thought. Well. It doesn’t matter. What I thought very clearly doesn’t matter. But. I need to know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns. He has no idea what is happening right now. “What do you need to know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to marry my sister?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hux can’t breathe properly, suddenly. Because he can’t talk about this. He can’t even think about this. And yet here Benjamin is, demanding he think about it, demanding he say it out loud. It makes his cheeks flush.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m supposed to-” he starts, but doesn’t get further, because Benjamin interrupts him with that growling sound again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care what you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do. I care what you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to marry my sister?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the look in his eyes is so vulnerable it hurts. Hux averts his eyes, stares at the wall behind Benjamin instead, because he can’t look at him, he simply can’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, he considers telling the truth. Considers telling him that he doesn’t want Miss Rey to be his wife, because she’s not at all his type. That he doesn’t want a wife at all, and that, if he could, he’d do anything to avoid it. But that isn’t something Hux can say. Maybe, in another life, another world… But not in this one. Here, he has obligations. And he can’t ignore them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux swallows. His throat feels rough. He blinks. Straightens up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. I want to marry your sister,” Hux says, and it sounds so monotone, no emotion there at all, he can’t even begin to hope that he fools Benjamin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But apparently it’s enough. Benjamin scoffs, and huffs, and drags his fingers through his hair in agitation. Opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again. Then: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t believe you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words make Hux bristle. Because Benjamin can’t say them, not here, not like this. Hux cannot afford to let people know what he’s really feeling, and really, how dare Benjamin, how dare he accuse Hux of lying, no matter that that’s exactly what Hux is doing. He’s trying to protect himself, and his life, can’t Benjamin see that? It doesn’t matter what Hux </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He can’t get it anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean by that?” Hux asks, doing his best to sound dangerous. Threatening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Benjamin, damn him, scoffs again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we both know what I mean,” he snaps. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The insinuation makes his face burn with shame, makes his body tense up, and Hux is suddenly furious, lets the emotion overtake him like he rarely ever allows. This is enough. Benjamin can’t- he can’t. He can’t say that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re trying to say right now,” Hux hisses, and now he really does sound ready to snap, “but I don’t appreciate it. Please understand, Mr Solo, that I don’t take kindly to such accusations.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not making accusations,” Benjamin snaps, and he seems angry too, a fire alight behind his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a moment of silence again, Hux trying desperately to think, trying to find a way out of this situation. But he can’t find it, and that makes him angrier. He looks around, checks if they are still alone in the hallway. They are. Good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he turns towards Ben again and takes a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm him down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You cannot judge me for doing what I’m supposed to do. I don’t have the luxury to not care about what others think of me. I can’t just sit around all day and waste my time like you do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Hux says it, he knows his words are going to hurt, but that’s good. That’s what he wants. He wants Benjamin to feel humiliated the way he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin stares at him for what feels like an eternity, not backing down, not saying anything, just watching, trying to figure out what Hux is thinking, maybe. Hux doesn’t back down either. He stares back, gaze hard and cold, the way his father taught him, absolutely nothing giving him away, except perhaps the flush in his cheeks he can’t will away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Benjamin shakes his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re just as bad as all the other ones. You’re stuck up and pretentious and so full of yourself. We could never be friends,” Benjamin growls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe Hux deserves the hurt that blossoms in his chest at Benjamin’s words. His mouth drops open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t - Ben, I-” Hux stutters, and he doesn’t even notice the shortened name until it’s too late. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Mr Hux. You don’t get to call me that. If you’ll excuse me, I will take my leave now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without waiting for an answer, Benjamin turns around and walks away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few steps, he stops again, half turning his head back to Hux. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And one last thing. You’re not going to marry my sister. She’s too good for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And with that, he leaves Hux standing in the hallway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a very long moment, Hux stands still, body frozen in place. Part of him wants to run after Benjamin, to shout at him for being so rude, and for somehow digging into Hux and striking where it hurts, hitting the most vulnerable places. Another part wants to run after Benjamin for completely different reasons, but he buries that part so deep inside him he can’t hear it anymore. The last, biggest part of him stays rooted to the spot, because that’s the only feasible option. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can’t count all the emotions he circles through, bewilderment and sadness and hurt and longing and regret and everything in between. He doesn’t know how to feel, so he settles on anger. Anger is easier than everything else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shouldn’t be this emotional over a simple fight. Really, he should be glad. Yes, Benjamin acted unreasonably, but really, this is the sort of excuse Hux needed. This is a good enough reason to stay away. Nothing like the small squabbles they’ve had before. This feels bigger, more final. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It should be a good thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not being around Benjamin anymore means no more distractions. That’s what he wants. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>good. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s what Hux is telling himself as he goes back to the dining room after what could be seconds or hours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is a </span>
  <em>
    <span>good thing. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>So he doesn’t understand why he suddenly feels so hollow. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Warnings: More of Brendol being shitty, references to Hux's past relationships, and some Sexuality Struggles. Also Ben and Hux have a pretty serious argument.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hux very quickly realises that absolutely none of this is good in any way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he sees Benjamin at another party the next week, he does his best to ignore him, but it’s hard, and Hux wants to look at him. He doesn’t, though. He doesn’t look at Benjamin any more than necessary, he doesn’t talk to Benjamin if he can help it, he tries to stay as far away from him as possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they do, by some chance, find each other in close proximity, they glare at each other instead of pretending things between them are the same. That, at least, is a bit of a relief. Except for when it isn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would be easier if he could avoid Benjamin entirely, but Hux supposes the universe simply doesn’t like him enough to grant him such a wish. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so, he trudges through the unpleasantness that ensues every time they find themselves in the same room, and tries not to let it show how twisted up he feels inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, it gets even worse when he meets with Miss Rey again. The look she gives him as he arrives is colder than it was before. Benjamin is nowhere to be seen. Instead, a small, elderly woman, who is introduced to him as Mrs Kanata, accompanies them as chaperone. Hux feels half relieved, half crushed. He hates it more than anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time passes, but nothing changes. Hux trudges through the summer heat, cherishing every second he gets to spend alone and not in the company of people he can’t stand. He does his best to avoid Benjamin when he can, and grits his teeth when he can’t. He ignores the persisting ache in his chest, and does his best to fulfill his father’s wishes, spends time with Miss Rey. His heart isn’t in it, even less than it was before. It doesn’t matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But with every day that goes by, one things becomes more and more clear:  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He misses Benjamin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux isn’t exactly surprised by that realization. Anyone would miss their friend after a fight. What surprises him is the intensity with which he misses Benjamin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It surprises him that, sometimes, he finds himself turning around after escaping a tedious conversation, expecting Benjamin to be near, just waiting for Hux to complain. It surprises him that he wants to talk to Benjamin, and that it upsets him that he can’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux knows that he is at fault too, and at times, he feels almost bad enough to do something about it. But then he catches himself, reminds himself that it’s Benjamin’s fault, too, and that it’s better this way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No matter how much he misses Benjamin, it’s better this way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because Hux feels like he can’t lie to himself much longer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s no explanation for how much he misses Benjamin. And, because it doesn’t matter now, anyway, maybe there’s no point in denying that Hux is awfully fond of Benjamin. More than he should be. More than is good for him, for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Admitting it to himself only cements his opinion that really, they’re better off not talking. As much as Hux may long for Benjamin, there is no reality in which he can allow himself to actually go after what he wants. For so many different reasons. Even if Hux wasn’t trying to court Benjamin's sister, what he wants would be impossible. It’s different with nameless men whose faces he can barely make out in dim lighting, quick anonymous affairs hidden in the night. Benjamin can’t be avoided, he’s everywhere, and trying to hide something like this is too much effort, something Hux cannot risk. Well. Something he couldn’t risk, if it were a possibility. Which it isn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He briefly considers getting all of it out of his system with someone else, someone he won’t ever see again, but decides that’s a bad idea. It would feel too much like defeat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So nothing changes. Admitting to himself that he misses Benjamin, and that he likes Benjamin, and that, no matter what, he can’t have Benjamin, doesn’t change anything. Because it’s impossible. And they’re fighting. And that’s good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux goes on, because that’s the only thing he can do. He can only look forward, never back. He ignores the tugging in his chest, and he tries to ignore Benjamin. Tries to ignore it all, and soldier through. That’s what he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With time, he’ll forget all about his stupid, childish infatuation, and about their fight. He will forget all about Benjamin, and it won’t come back to bother him in the most inconvenient moments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This, too, will pass. Everything does. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warnings in the end notes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Summer, for all its beauty, is also the most tedious season. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun is beating down onto them all with fervor, no cloud in sight. Hux feels like he’s going to suffocate in his heavy clothes, and he’s sweating so much the fabric is stuck to his back. The only consolation is that he’s not the only one suffering, though it doesn’t make the situation much better. The distinct scent of sweat is mixing with the sweetness of the flowers around them, and Hux can’t help but wrinkle his nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curses whoever thought it would be a good idea to have a garden party in August. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apart from the oppressive heat, there’s not much to complain about, though, which is quite a rarity. In fact, Hux realizes with surprise, he is even somewhat enjoying himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The estate gardens really are beautiful; the flowers are in full bloom, hedges and trees and colourful blossoms all around, surrounding the patch of grass where the tables are set up, giving off the impression that they are separated from the rest of the world. The food and drinks are delicious too, and Hux finds himself indulging in them more than he usually would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s spending his time talking with Phasma, engaging in some much needed gossip about all the other guests, tucked into a corner far away from his father’s piercing eyes. It feels like, recently, Brendol has become even more overbearing and strict, treating Hux like a stupid child at every occasion, and it’s good to be away from him and with a friend instead, with someone who understands him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only thing dampening his mood, apart from the stifling heat, of course, is Benjamin Solo. Hux has been successfully avoiding him for the most part, but has caught a few glimpses of him here and there. So far, Hux has been very good at turning away from him as soon as he sees him, but a small part of him wants to keep looking, out of some morbid curiosity, despite the fact that it hurts to see Benjamin, or maybe because of that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re distracted,” Phasma says, after Hux has caught a brief glimpse of Benjamin on the far side of the crowd again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not,” Hux mumbles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tears his gaze away from the other guests and looks at Phasma again. She raises her brows at him, clearly doesn’t believe him. They’re the only ones sitting at the small table, but still, Hux doesn’t allow his posture to slump, tries not to give anything away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t tell her that he misses Benjamin. No matter how true it may be, he can’t tell her. He thinks she might now anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything is perfectly all right, Phasma. There’s no need to worry,” he assures her, and she rolls her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t worrying. I was simply observing that the way you’re acting is very strange. Well. Stranger than usual.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux glares at her, and she smirks. He reaches up to wipe some sweat from his forehead, then looks away from her. He doesn’t even try to deny it, because he knows that he’s acting strange. But he can’t do anything to stop it, and before he knows it, he’s looking for Benjamin again, despite his best intentions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, even if I am, it doesn’t matter. I think there are more important matters to discuss than how I’m acting.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Phasma crosses her arms over her chest, raises a brow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are there, now? What is it that’s more important than an opportunity to embarrass you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes Hux a tremendous amount of self control not to groan loudly. He racks his brain, quickly trying to come up with something, anything to distract Phasma from his own behaviour. Judging by the sceptical look that stays on her face, he isn't sure he succeeds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He keeps talking to Phasma, complaining about his father and stuffy nobles and listens to her complaints in return, but it’s half hearted now, Hux finding himself more distracted by the second. It’s agitating, the way he can’t stop thinking about Benjamin. He really wishes he could. They’re not talking, and whatever they were before, they’re not anything now. Looking for him won’t do Hux any good. And yet, here he is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The day passes without any incident, Phasma’s teasing getting increasingly annoying. Despite that, Hux's mood stays surprisingly good. He suspects the good food might be especially responsible. After some time, however, Phasma is whisked away by some young socialite, seeming mostly reluctant but still going with her, and Hux is left alone at their table. Despite the fact that he hasn't been having the most terrible day, he decides to seize the opportunity and leave the party behind for a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux walks away from the clearing without anyone paying him any mind. The estate gardens are truly incredible, the sheer size of them impressive. As Hux ventures deeper into the greenery, he can't help but take in his surroundings with awe. There are exotic flowers in every color he can imagine, and big trees and tall hedges, growing in an almost labyrinthine pattern across the grounds. It would be easy to get lost among them, but Hux isn't worried about that. If anything, he's glad that he probably won't be disturbed here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There truly is no one in sight, and the sounds of the party quickly fade into the background. It is an unexpected relief, and Hux allows himself to relax his shoulders, and take a deep breath, inhaling the sweet, heavy smell of the flowers growing around him. No matter how much he's enjoying himself, in the end, events like this one still leave him exhausted. He has always been good at putting up a front, but he doesn't like being around other people for such a long amount of time. He doesn't think that will ever change. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though Hux isn't normally one to be enamoured with nature, he still takes his time to walk around the maze of hedges, carefully taking in the sights around him, relaxing gradually. It really is pretty, the flowers around him shining in bright reds and blues and pinks and yellows, against a bright green backdrop. Though he could do without the sun beating down on him. Already, the bridge of his nose and his forehead are starting to itch, no doubt turning red under the relentless beams. He’s always had a fair complexion, his skin burning easily, and he has always despised it. It means he can’t wander around like this for long, no matter how much he would like to, otherwise he will look like a lobster sooner rather than later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux heaves a sigh, slowly coming to a stop. He has no idea where he is, really, but that doesn’t bother him as much as it maybe should. He feels unusually peaceful in this moment. Maybe there is something to be said about the effects of nature he’s been hearing so much about. Unhurried, he starts walking back in the direction he came from, allowing his thoughts to wander. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s been having a lot to think about lately. His father’s incessant demands are constantly on his mind, as is Miss Rey. He’s been meeting with her quite regularly, and he doesn’t even entirely hate her, which has been a surprise. But he still doesn’t feel the desire to spend the rest of his life with her, and he is certain that she doesn’t want to be with him either. The problem is that, apparently, his opinion on it doesn’t matter, and hers even less. It’s agitating, and every time Brendol starts talking about responsibilities and marriage, Hux hates him a little more. Not for the first time in his life, he has found himself wishing he could leave this life behind and start anew, or better yet, for his father to simply disappear. But none of that is possible, and so Hux has to keep going and endure, his emotions eating away at him all the while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unsurprisingly, he soon finds his thoughts drifting back to Benjamin, though he is of the opinion that there isn’t much to think about in that department. They were friends, and now they are not. Any other feelings Hux may or may not have harboured aren’t of any importance, and it’s better the way it is now. Hux has been trying to tell himself that for weeks, yet his mind keeps conjuring up images of Benjamin, his sullen face and luscious hair and plump lips. It’s, as Phasma guessed, incredibly distracting, and completely uncalled for. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As lost in thought as he is, Hux doesn’t hear the footsteps until it’s too late. He rounds a corner and collides with another person, the both of them stumbling away from each other in surprise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns, irritation already flaring, when he looks up and notices who he just walked into. Then, he can’t do anything but stare, mouth hanging open in a most undignified manner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin stares back at him, seeming just as surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a few endless seconds, they look at each other in complete silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seeing Benjamin up close so suddenly, after avoiding him for weeks, has Hux speechless. He can’t move, is rooted to the spot, and he can’t say anything, because he has been robbed of all thought, and he can’t look away. He should probably look away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin recovers from the shock first, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair, which is already messy, sticking up in places. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hux,” he says, and just hearing his name said in that voice makes a shiver run down Hux’s spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Benjamin,” Hux responds, without even thinking about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, uh.” Benjamin clears his throat. Hux watches the movement of his throat with rapt attention. “I was looking for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You- what?” Hux asks, stunned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thinks that, perhaps, he should have something to say, but there’s nothing. He is completely stunned, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. He can’t believe that Benjamin was </span>
  <em>
    <span>looking for him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was looking for you,” Benjamin repeats, voice stronger now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes a step forward, and Hux steps back involuntarily, finally able to move again. For some reason, fear starts rising up inside of him, and he considers fleeing. But that’d be foolish, and there’s nowhere to go anyway, Benjamin blocking the way out of the maze that is this garden. Instead, Hux stays put, silent, and waits for Benjamin to explain himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin looks at him, dark eyes searching his face for something, maybe, but then he sighs again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have… something to say.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The way he announces it, all serious, voice deep and gaze intense, makes something in Hux flutter with nerves. He chastises himself for it, but that doesn’t stop the feeling. Hux swallows, and still doesn’t say anything. He thinks that, even if he was able to talk right now, he wouldn’t know what to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin fidgets with the sleeves of his crisp white dress shirt, and drags his hands through his hair again, before he seems to make up his mind. This time, when he steps closer, Hux doesn’t step back. He has no idea what Benjamin wants from him, but he knows that he cannot show any weakness now. He lifts his chin, makes an effort to harden his gaze, smooth out his expression, and looks at Benjamin challengingly. The height difference between them isn’t that big, but right now it feels monumental. Benjamin is positively </span>
  <em>
    <span>looming</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his intensity all consuming and eyes dark, and they’re very close, now, and Hux can feel the warmth radiating from him, almost stifling, and it’s all very distracting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hux,” Benjamin says, making goosebumps stand up on Hux’s arms despite the heat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You must know what I want from you, Hux. I have been trying hard not to think about it, not to think about you, but I cannot deny it any longer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux frowns, confusion and hope and fear and a thousand other emotions flying through him at once, making him almost dizzy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you saying?” he asks, voice almost a whisper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m saying that I can’t stop thinking about you, Hux. It haunts me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>haunt me. Every waking hour, you occupy my mind, and when I sleep, you follow me into my dreams. Hux, I’m saying that I-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin stops, interrupting himself, and stares at Hux with a sudden fire burning in his eyes. Hux gapes at him, tries to think, tries to say something, anything, tries to comprehend what is happening right now, but he can’t, this doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>make sense</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and suddenly Benjamin reaches out for him, and everything screeches to a halt, Hux thinks he stops breathing, eyes wide in confusion, because this can’t- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, Benjamin is kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s as if Hux has been struck by lightning, his whole body burning up, muscles tense. He can’t think and he can’t move, and he knows that he should push Benjamin away, that this is a bad idea and that someone could see them. But he doesn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, he focuses on the feeling of Benjamin’s lips on his, on the warmth of Benjamin’s hands on his neck, and Hux sighs and leans into it against his better judgement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benjamin kisses him with abandon, his movements sloppy and rushed and wild, and Hux presses against him, gives as good as he gets, gripping onto Benjamin’s hips to pull him closer. He opens his mouth in a subdued groan, shivers as Benjamin’s tongue pushes against his, lets himself get lost in the heat of it all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” Hux whispers, pulling away briefly to catch his breath, to try and get his heartbeat under control. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep calling me that,” Ben growls, and dives back in, biting and licking at Hux’s lips like a man drowning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing he has ever done. But at the same time, it’s one of the best things. Ben feels hot and solid against him, and the smell of his sweat and the sweet flowers around them is dizzying. He can taste the same sweetness on Ben’s lips, and it’s absolutely intoxicating. Hux never wants to let him go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He does, though, pulls away with all the strength he can muster. He doesn’t go very far, stays in Ben’s embrace and doesn’t let go of his shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is a terrible idea,” Hux mutters. He can’t stop looking at Ben’s face, lips red and wet, cheeks flushed, eyes blown wide. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben nods, the smallest of movements. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is. But I don’t care.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can’t help but press another kiss to his lips, inviting as they are, this one softer and slower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to marry your sister,” Hux says, because this is a </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible idea</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t respond, just hums, licking Hux’s bottom lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux groans, tries not to let his thoughts drift away again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If anyone were to find out about this, our lives would be over,” he whispers, but already, he lets himself be pulled in again, unable to resist Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are a thousand reasons why they shouldn’t be doing this. Hux has them all on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill out, but his tongue is currently otherwise occupied, so he stays silent for now. His heart is racing, both because he is blown away by how much he wants Ben, and because he is scared. It isn’t wise to be kissing Ben, especially not out in the daylight, especially not here. It isn’t wise to be kissing him at all, and to keep doing it. But he keeps doing it nonetheless, until he is breathless and his knees feel weak and his lips feel numb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe, if this were just a one time occurence, something they wouldn’t repeat, it wouldn’t be so bad. But Hux already knows, can feel it deep in his core, that he wants to kiss Benjamin again. He has spent the last few weeks missing him, and secretly wishing for something like this, and now that he has had a taste of it, Hux doesn’t want to let it go. He wants more of it, so much more, and he thinks that, maybe, he’d be willing to take the risk to get what he wants, for once in his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” he says, panting, because he feels like he needs to tell Ben something, though he isn’t exactly sure what. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben makes a questioning little humming sound, traces his fingers over Hux’s jawline. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking about you too,” Hux admits, then closes his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it feels like there should be more, but maybe it’s still too early for more words, for bigger words. This thing between them, and Hux isn’t sure if there even </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>a thing, it’s fragile and new and exciting and Hux wants it, maybe too much for his own good, and he doesn’t want to ruin anything before it has even begun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he doesn't say anything else, just presses his forehead against Ben’s, feels the sun shining down on them, and for now, that is enough. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That first kiss stays with him for the rest of the week; the memory of hot lips against his and sun-warmed skin under his fingertips leaves him reeling whenever he thinks of it. Hux imagines he can still taste the sweet flowers and smell the fresh grass days later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every waking second, the memory follows him around, distracting him, and during the night, he lies awake, relives it all, until he falls asleep and dreams of warm kisses and warmer touches under bright summer skies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He isn't sure how his next encounter with Ben is going to go, and that makes him nervous. Because they kissed plenty, and they talked, sort of, but now Hux thinks maybe it wasn’t enough. He is struck by unexpected nerves whenever he thinks about what might happen the next time they see each other. The not knowing scares him, as do the endless possibilities. He wonders what he’d do if Ben did something like this again, or how he would react if Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> do something like this again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Hux makes his way to the Solo estate almost a week later, for another one of his visits with Miss Rey, his hands are sweating an unreasonable amount, his breath coming out shaky and heart beating fast. He’s scared, though he doesn’t entirely know why. While it is a possibility that he might see Ben today, it’s by no means certain, considering Ben hasn’t overseen one of his visits for a while now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux finds himself drifting while he is led through the hallways, barely taking in his surroundings. Over the past months, this house has become strangely familiar to him, and it surprises him to realise that he knows his way around by now, that he doesn’t even have to pay attention for his feet to carry him to the salon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes all his strength to not come to a halt as soon as he steps into the room. There, sitting in his armchair with a book in hand like he never left, is Ben, looking up at Hux with a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. Hux is certain his heart stops, but he makes an effort not to let it show. His face is completely straight, the way it usually is, but he maintains eye contact with Ben the entire time as he makes his way through the room and takes his seat. There’s something in Ben’s gaze, something heated, that makes him flush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr Hux,” Rey says, and she sounds inquisitive, almost wary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux tears his eyes away from Ben and looks at her instead. She’s pretty as always, her smart eyes alert and set on him with her usual intensity. He nods his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss Rey.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you haven’t gotten too attached to Mrs Kanata. My brother will be joining us again from now on, if that is all right with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux tries not to let it show how incredibly pleased he is about the prospect of being able to subtly eye Ben for hours, being able to talk to him, at least a little. Instead he nods, gives the slightest hint of a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“While I’m going to miss her terribly, I’m certain I’m going to manage just fine even with your brother here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Miss Rey rolls her eyes at him, and Ben glances away from Hux, down at his book, smiling softly. The sight of him makes Hux feel warmed from the inside out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the afternoon progresses, Hux finds himself sneaking glances at Ben again and again, watching him between sips of tea and snippets of conversation. He feels like they’ve gone back in time: Everything is like it was a few months ago, the two of them watching each other, trying not to be noticed, unable to tear their eyes away from the other. There is one major difference though. Hux knows what Ben tastes like now, knows the feel of his body under his fingers, how his rough hands can trace so softly over Hux’s face. He can’t banish these images from his mind, and they come back time and time again, and soon, he’s dizzy with the memory of it, his thoughts jumbled. He can barely pay attention to Miss Rey during his visit, too distracted by the afterimages her brother has left behind. Maybe Hux should feel bad about this, but he doesn’t, not when the memories are so pleasant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the time comes for him to leave, Hux’s face is flushed, from the intense way Ben has been looking at him and the fantasies his brain has been providing all day. He barely manages to say his goodbyes without stumbling over his words, and is surprised his steps are steady when he leaves the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the hallway, Hux takes a deep breath. Ben’s presence in the salon had felt both stifling and wonderful at once, confusing him and making it hard to think, but out here, he is slowly coming back to himself. Walking through the familiar hallways, hearing his steps softly echo in the silence around him, helps clear his head. Hux makes his way back to the entrance slowly, gathering himself. Spending these hours in Ben’s presence and not being able to touch him have made a surprising ache come alive in his chest. While seeing him and his secret smiles has eased some of Hux’s fears, others are still there, persistent. He wants to feel Ben again, but he has no idea when that will be possible again, or if Ben wants that, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Quiet as it is around him, the sound of footsteps behind him makes Hux perk up immediately. He slows down his walk, something like hope growing inside of him, and looks over his shoulder. Whoever is approaching, they’re walking fast. Hux holds his breath as the steps get closer, and then lets it out in a stunned sigh when Ben comes walking around the corner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” Hux starts, but before he even knows what he’s going to say, Ben has reached him and grabs his wrist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not here,” he whispers, and keeps walking, tugging Hux along behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With quick steps, they make their way through the hallways, into a part of the house Hux hasn’t been to before. They don’t encounter anyone else, but still Hux holds his breath, looks around anxiously. Ben does the same, before he pulls Hux into a little alcove, hidden away from prying eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux barely has time to take in his surroundings or process what exactly is happening before Ben leans down and presses a surprisingly soft kiss to his lips. Hux lets himself melt into it, reaching up to run his fingers through Ben’s hair. Ben pulls him close, touches him gently, and sighs, Hux swallowing the sound right up. He can taste the tea on Ben’s lips, and he licks it up carefully, as if Ben might break apart beneath his touch at any second. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They break apart after what feels like ages but can only be a few short minutes. Hux feels hot all over, his face no doubt bright red. He looks up at Ben with heavy eyes, taking in the sight of him, beautiful as always. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” he sighs again, and hums contentedly when Ben tightens his grip on Hux’s hips and pulls him closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you,” Ben whispers, leaning down to nose along Hux’s jawline, his breath ghosting over Hux’s skin. “You’re here, but I’m still missing you. I miss you all the time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words make Hux shiver, and he presses closer, kisses the side of Ben’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too,” he admits, throat tight all of a sudden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben makes a pleased sound in the back of his throat, then turns to kiss Hux again, just as gently as before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stay like that for far longer than they probably should, and Hux loses track of time, gets lost in the movement of Ben’s lips against his. In the end, he pulls away reluctantly, promising Ben that they will see each other again soon, that where will be time for more later, and he leaves with a lightness to his step that he knows is unusual. He hopes no one will look too closely at him, because he no doubt looks well-kissed. The tingling in his lips and the fluttering in his chest don’t go away until he is home again, and even then, traces of it linger, keeping him warm until evening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hux is so incredibly tired of these damned balls by now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has lost count of all the tedious events he has attended in the past months, and he is ready for all of this to be over. The clothes are stuffy, the people get on his nerves, and he is pretty sure that he is going to scream if he has to dance any more than he already has. His only comfort of the evening is the champagne, of which he has had more to drink than is probably wise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And. Well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His second comfort of the evening is Ben, in his immaculate suit. He looks dashing as always, and Hux has been eyeing him all evening, receiving some heated stares in turn. Recently, Hux has slipped away from the crowds more and more, to spend time with Ben, kissing in some hidden corner. It’s risky, of course, but Hux is drawn in by Ben, and it doesn’t matter how many times he tells himself to not show any weakness, in the end it takes a pointed nod from Ben and he is gone again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In all honesty, Hux would be surprised if it didn’t happen again tonight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He keeps drinking champagne, and lets himself be dragged into conversation, before it’s his turn to dance with Miss Rey. She has been twirling around the dancefloor all evening, and her face is flushed, hair in disarray, as Hux steps up to her to lead her into the next dance. She’s stunning, as always, but Hux is distracted the entire time. Ben keeps staring at them, and Hux finds himself turning his head this way and that, never losing sight of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem distracted, Mr Hux,” Miss Rey tells him when they’re close enough to talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux hums absentmindedly. She isn’t wrong, and she isn’t the first one to point it out either. Being caught doesn’t deter him in the slightest, and while he is careful to not miss any steps, he still cannot keep his attention focused on the dance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the song ends, he heaves a sigh of relief. Judging by the way Miss Rey raises her brows at him, he isn’t very discreet. She takes her leave, off to dance with someone else, and Hux stands there, adrift for a brief moment, before his eyes find Ben again. He’s leaning against the wall, separate from the rest of the crowd, dark and looming as always. Hux looks at him, heavy with intention, from across the room. He waits, makes sure Ben understands, before he turns around and walks out of the room with sure strides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaving the bustle of the ballroom behind is freeing, and as Hux dodges stragglers who are stumbling around the adjoining hallways drunkenly, relief and anticipation settle in his stomach. As he keeps walking, he encounters less and less people, until he is far enough away from the main event that he is the only one around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leans against a wall, listening for the sound of music and laughter in the distance, snippets of conversation drifting through the window down the hallway, and then, finally, the heavy fall of familiar footsteps coming closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Ben rounds the corner, Hux smirks, and he is delighted to realize that Ben’s face is already flushed and eager, hunger in his eyes. They’re starting to become experts in the art of sneaking around at events like this, and while it is always risky to meet like this, in a house of this size, it is unlikely they’ll get caught. And now that he’s away from the hectic bustling of the ball, Hux can feel the champagne getting to him even more, making his thoughts hazy, and a small part of him finds the thrill of being caught almost arousing. He decides not to dwell on that particular thought for now, instead opting to reach for Ben and pull him in as soon as he can get his hands on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben follows him with a gasp and they crash together, the force of the collusion and the alcohol in his system nearly making Hux stumble. He groans at the intensity of it, gripping the soft strands of Ben’s hair with one hand, the other one sneaking under his jacket and over his strong back. Ben grips him with his typical unrestrained strength, pressing his back harshly against the wall, and Hux bites his lower lip, lapping up the taste of champagne and dessert. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This encounter is much more passionate, much more heated than any of their previous ones, and Hux realizes quickly that he can’t get enough of it. Seeing Ben like this, so wild and enthusiastic, using his body to push against Hux and kiss without a second thought, makes his head swim even more. He is past the point of proper judgement, has left all insecurities and fears behind, and there is only this, only his body and Ben’s body and the arousal steadily burning in his stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux lets his hand wander over Ben’s back, feeling the way his muscles move under his clothes, then grips his hip to pull his lower body closer, tightening his fingers in Ben’s hair simultaneously. Ben groans, the vibrations of it tingling through Hux’s entire body with how close they are, and he smirks, does it again. Ben pushes against him helplessly, the sounds he makes muffled by their lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can feel Ben’s hardness pressing against him, his desperation making itself known, and the feeling of it almost makes Hux lose his mind, makes his body burn with want. They haven’t been together like this so far, not going further than sharing heated kisses, and just the possibility of it is intoxicating. It makes his kisses more desperate, makes his hands bolder in their exploration, and soon he is pulling Ben’s shirt out of his trouser to push his fingers underneath, feeling hot, smooth skin under his fingertips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His touches seem to spur Ben on, because he keeps trying to press closer, his hips pushing against Hux repeatedly, and Hux isn’t sure if Ben is even aware of what he is doing, but he’s not going to complain. Instead, he urges Ben on, letting his own arousal overtake him, groaning as Ben’s groin presses against him just right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In his alcohol induced haze, Hux isn’t entirely sure what he wants. There are some ideas in his head, but they’re all vague, nothing more detailed than </span>
  <em>
    <span>more of this</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But of that, at least, he is sure: He wants more of Ben, wants </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> of him, now or in the future. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though all he wants to do is continue doing this forever, to kiss Ben until nothing else exists in the world, Hux pulls away after a while, panting. He looks at Ben’s flushed face and his dishevelled clothes and feels his throat go dry, because Ben is absolutely breathtaking. There is still no space between their bodies, and Ben ruts against him once more, making them both groan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” Hux whispers, voice heavy and rough. “What do you want? What do you need?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben whines, lets his head fall onto Hux’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you. I just want you, Hux, I want you all the time, I need-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stops, stunned, as Hux turns them around suddenly, pushing Ben up against the wall. Ben looks at him with wide eyes, mouth open as if to say something, but whatever it is comes out as a choked off sound as Hux drops down to his knees unceremoniously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, yes, all right. Perhaps Hux is lacking some finesse at the moment, intoxicated as he is. Maybe he should have given this more thought, or asked Ben about it, and this is certainly not the best place for it, but now he’s already down here, and after hearing Ben’s words, knowing that Ben wants him, that Ben </span>
  <em>
    <span>needs</span>
  </em>
  <span> him… Well, Hux </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smirks up at Ben, licks his lips, then gets to work on opening Ben’s trousers. All the while, Ben stares down at him, with his pretty, surprised eyes, not saying a word. But he hasn’t protested yet, and when Hux pulls him out of his trousers, he sucks in a sharp breath, his hand flying up to grip Hux’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you too,” Hux whispers, smirks, and leans in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Hux takes him into his mouth, he keeps gazing up at Ben, looks right into his eyes as he swallows him down. The sound that Ben makes, a low, drawn out moan, way too loud, considering where they are, goes right to Hux’s groin. He suppresses his own moan, gets to work instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s been a while since he has done this, and it takes some getting used to. His jaw aches too soon, and the whole affair is messy and wet, but Ben enjoys it, and Hux isn’t one to quit. He moves his tongue and bobs his head, lapping up the salty taste of Ben, enjoying the hot, velvety feeling of him on his tongue. And all the while, he keeps looking at Ben, at his expression, his face contorted in pleasure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take long, the whole endeavor over almost as soon as it has begun, and Hux swallows up every last drop before carefully pulling Ben’s trousers up again. He stands on shaky knees, gripping Ben’s arm to keep himself steady, his own stiffness tenting his trousers. Ben is leaning against the wall, eyes closed, chest rising and falling rapidly. He looks gorgeous, as always, and Hux can’t help but lean in to kiss him, prying his lips open with his tongue, smugness radiating at the way Ben’s eyes fly open when he tastes himself in Hux’s mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They continue to kiss, some of that earlier desperation gone, movements now somewhat sluggish, until Ben’s breathing has gone back to normal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I liked that,” Ben finally mumbles, sounding sleepy and sated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux grins, presses kisses to his cheek, down his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben sighs, tilts his head. “I never… before, I haven’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t keep speaking, but Hux understands anyway, brows furrowing in confusion. It surprises him, this admission, because Ben is an excellent kisser, and he’s good looking, and has never been unsure with Hux, in the way he touches him. Hux had assumed he knew what he was doing, but maybe Ben is just naturally good at it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t realize,” Hux says. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to show you. I can show you a lot more things, if you want. There are so many ways we could be together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bne nods eagerly, capturing Hux’s lips in another long kiss. His hands start to wander over Hux’s back after a while, down his sides. In a moment of boldness, his fingers drift towards Hux groin, hesitantly stroking him through the fabric of his trousers. Hux groans and hisses, pressing into the touch. He didn’t expect Ben to reciprocate, but he’s certainly not going to stop him, not when his touches feel so good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of laughter, much closer than before, makes them both flinch. They jump apart, looking around the hallway hastily, Hux’s heart suddenly beating faster for entirely different reasons, and his palms start to sweat. But the hallway stays empty, and the laughter drifts away, and after a few endless seconds, they both let out a heavy sigh of relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux chuckles nervously, runs a hand through his hair, the way Ben usually does. Ben lets his head fall back against the wall again with a loud </span>
  <em>
    <span>thud</span>
  </em>
  <span>. They stand in silence for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to stop,” Ben says, quietly, after a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something expands in Hux’s chest at that, something warm and tingly and pleasant. Something that he wants to keep feeling, because he has never felt anything like this before. He has to take a deep breath, swallow down the emotions threatening to choke him, before he can speak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All right. I don’t want to stop either. But… perhaps not right here,” he says, gesturing around at the hallway, which really is terribly public and a way too risky hiding place, now that he thinks about it properly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben nods, a soft smile spreading on his lips. Hux can’t help but return it, and it feels strange, to let his face show his emotions so honestly, but he also likes it, in a way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes Ben’s hand in his without waiting any longer, looks around and then leads him away, searching for a more private place. His chest feels light, and he’s almost giddy, because the night is far from over, and for once, it doesn’t bother him at all.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A semi-public blowjob happens ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warnings in the end notes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Benjamin Solo, Hux decides, is the most wondrous individual he has ever encountered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Being with him is intoxicating, all-consuming. Hux feels drawn in by him at all times, his mind always occupied with thoughts of Ben. He can’t get enough of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They make time to meet whenever they can, sneaking around at parties, making the best of every second they can steal away. There are hidden touches, heated glances exchanged from opposite sides of the room, quiet conversations when no one is listening. And then there are other things: walks in the park, around the city, spending time together during the day like friends would do. When they’re out in the open like this, walking close, hands almost touching, Hux wishes they could be together freely. But that’s not possible, and so he has to make do with what they have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s almost as if he’s dreaming, the weeks passing quickly as he spends more and more time with Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux takes him to the theatre, and to bars, and they hide in dark alleys and deserted hallways and hidden corners, stealing kisses and tender touches, sometimes sharing moments of hot passion. This is something they don’t do nearly as often as Hux would like, because there’s rarely the time and space for anything elaborate, but that only makes every single experience more memorable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though Ben is inexperienced, he isn’t fumbling. He knows what he wants, and most of the time, what he wants is Hux. They find release in each other, and Ben is surprisingly adept with his mouth and his hands, and Hux always wants more of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The game they’re playing is no doubt a dangerous one. All the sneaking around, the meetings and touches and sweet promises, all of it could ruin them if someone were to find out. But neither of them wants to stop, and so they don’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux knows, the longer they continue, that this is unlike anything he has ever known before. His past encounters have been casual, one-time things, never the same man twice, and certainly not like this. And that scares Hux a bit, sometimes, in quiet moments when he allows himself to think about the way his heart clenches when he looks at Ben. This is more serious than anything he has ever felt before, and sometimes, he doesn’t know what to make of that. But then, when he’s with Ben again, he knows that whatever he feels, Ben feels it too, and that makes it a little less scary. And all the uncertainties seem less important, because they all pale in comparison to the absolute certainty with which Hux wants Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trapped under Ben’s spell as he is, Hux barely notices the passage of time. As the weeks go on, the seasons start to change. Slowly, the parties and balls become less and less, dwindling down as the nobles return to their country estates for the winter months, until they’ll come to the city again in the spring, ready for another season of decadence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux stays in the city, of course, as does Ben. As the weather gets colder and wetter, the leaves turning red and brown, Hux seeks Ben’s warmth more and more. He likes the routine they have, likes meeting with Ben whenever he is free, not helping his father manage his business affairs. But still, he can’t help but wish they could have more. More time together, more freedom, more of everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is something growing inside of Hux steadily, and he isn’t entirely sure yet what it is, but he knows is that it is monumental. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hux realises on a crisp November afternoon, as he sits in the carriage, making his way home from a meeting with Miss Rey that he spent being distracted by Ben’s presence, that he doesn’t want to marry her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, that alone is not a particularly mind-blowing revelation. He’s known for a while that he wasn’t interested in her, and his involvement with her brother really only drives the point home. But so far, he’d thought he could just pretend, for the greater good, to appease his father and stop people from gossiping. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hits him, with sudden, unexpected intensity, that he can’t do it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t marry Miss Rey, no matter how much he or his father or anyone might want him to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux is sure, with every fibre of his body, that he can’t bring himself to do it. Not with the way things are, with the way he is. And then there’s Ben. So far, they haven’t talked about it again, about the reason Hux visits the Solo house regularly, but it doesn’t seem fair. To all of them, it doesn’t seem fair. He can’t marry a woman he has no interest in, while gallivanting around with her brother behind her back. It feels so utterly </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> he feels a bit nauseous just thinking about it. Miss Rey is a nice young woman. She deserves better than that. Ben deserves better than that. Hux suspects even he deserves better, though it’s hard to shake off his father’s voice telling him what exactly he is worthy of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thoughts keep swirling around in his head the entire way home, and even then, they don’t leave him alone. He is unable to shake the revelation off. How much he must have been lying to himself until now, that it took him so long to notice. This sudden clarity is disconcerting, leaves him drifting around the house absentmindedly, unable to focus on anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>During dinner with his father, which is a tense and quiet affair as usual, he is still distracted. Hux tries his best to appear unruffled, but knows as soon as he starts eating that he won’t be able to feign nonchalance for very long. His thoughts are too messy for that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take long for Brendol to pick up on his strange mood, no matter how hard Hux tries to hide it. Halfway through dinner, Brendol clears his throat pointedly, and when Hux doesn’t notice it, slams his hand on the table with force. It’s been years since Hux flinched at one of his father’s outbreaks like he does in that moment. He looks at Brendol, eyes wide, and takes in the angry set of Brendol’s jaw, the unconcealed anger on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem distracted,” Brendol says, voice sharp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux doesn’t respond. He knows it would be unwise. Instead he clenches his fist beneath the table and finally manages to straighten out his expression. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that, perhaps, you’re forgetting your duties, boy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol spits the last word out like an insult, and it makes Hux clench his teeth. He hates when his father calls him that. He is an adult, not a child, and he would like to be treated accordingly. Not that Brendol would ever grant him that wish. No, Brendol calls him that precisely because he knows how much Hux dislikes it. To show him who is in charge here. Who has more power. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux takes a deep, measured breath. “I can assure you, father, I’m not-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Brendol doesn’t even let him finish before he scoffs harshly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re absentminded, and you’re spending your time God only knows where. I know you haven’t been visiting the Solo girl as often. I don’t think I want to know what you’ve been doing instead.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, Hux forgets to breathe. He can’t stop the panic rising in him, a shrill ringing echoing in his ears at Brendol’s words. There’s no way he knows, they’ve been so careful, Brendol can’t know. If he knew, he would have said something sooner, Hux is sure of that, but what he says, what he’s implying...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol continues, undeterred, paying Hux no mind as his thoughts start spiralling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It seems that you’re forgetting the importance of all of this. You’re forgetting your place, boy, and frankly, I’ve had enough of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then his gaze falls on Hux, intense and angry. Hux straightens, bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself composed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve had enough of your endless excuses, your attempts to stall, your idleness. Court her properly. Ask for her hand in marriage, and do it soon. Do </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for God’s sake. Or are you not even capable of fulfilling such a simple task?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux waits for a moment, trying to discern whether Brendol expects him to answer that question. When Brendol keeps glaring at him, he clears his throat, nods his head slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I apologize, father. I will… do as you say. As soon as possible.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is proud of himself when his voice comes out the way it should; cold, emotionless. Steady. Brendol scoffs again, but goes back to his meal without saying anything else. Hux picks up his fork too, stares down at his plate, unseeing, allows himself to let out the tiniest sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has to agree with his father, he knows that. He has to do what Brendol wants, or bear the consequences. But already, he knows that this time, he can’t. He knows that he’s not going to do it. Not when he’s with Ben, and doesn’t intend to stop being with him anytime soon. He can’t do it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Winter arrives slowly, the temperatures dropping steadily lower, the sky turning grey, cold winds sneaking under coats and through windows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his words to his father, Hux continues as before, meeting with Ben when he can, meeting with Miss Rey less and less, preferring to spend the free time that he has with the Solo sibling that makes his heart beat faster whenever they lay eyes on each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Christmas comes and goes, an uneventful day in the Hux household, as it has always been. Hux isn’t sentimental, he doesn’t care about trivial festivities such as this one. But when he meets with Ben the next day, and Ben hands him a piece of paper, he can’t help but smile, touched at the gesture. It’s a sketch of Hux, sitting in an armchair, legs crossed, head propped up by his hand, eyes thoughtful, lips tilted upwards just slightly. It seems both familiar and alien, like it isn’t truly him that Ben has drawn, but an idealized version of him. Ben must have sketched it during one of his visits with Miss Rey, Hux recognizes the armchair he is sitting in. Seeing the sketch, the way Ben sees him, makes him feel warm all over, and he is too overcome to say anything, pulling Ben into a passionate kiss instead. It seems to convey his feelings well enough, because Ben smiles at him with incredibly fondness once they part. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The new year arrives with a flurry of snow, painting the whole city white, the streets covered in it and turning muddy and brown within hours. Two weeks into January, Brendol pulls Hux aside one day, seeming, for once, not like he wants to shout at Hux for no reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will leave the city for a few days,” Brendol says, and Hux nods, surprised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have been called out to the country by an acquaintance. I will leave next Friday, and return the Monday after that. I trust that you will take care of the house while I’m gone, and all other matters of importance that may arise. If you don’t, there will be consequences for you to bear. Keep that in mind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- of course, father. Don’t worry, I will take care of everything,” Hux promises, heart suddenly beating faster. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Brendol grunts, then leaves, as if he can’t wait to get away from Hux. It doesn’t bother Hux, not in this moment. This is the last thing he expected Brendol to say, but he’s not going to complain about it. Quite the opposite, in fact. An idea is already forming in his mind, one that has him excited and giddy, counting the days until his father leaves for his little trip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next time they meet, he tells Ben all about it. They’re strolling around the park, the world turned white and glittering, snow crunching under their boots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father will leave the city next week. He’ll be gone the whole weekend,” he starts, and feels suddenly nervous, because what if Ben says no? But he takes a deep breath, looks away from Ben, at the few other pedestrians enjoying the crisp winter air, and barrels on. “You could visit me. Stay the night. If you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben stops walking next to him, and Hux halts a few seconds later, not turning around, waiting for an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… are you certain? It wouldn’t be too risky?” Ben asks, sounding both nervous and hopeful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux finally allows himself to turn and look at him, and the sparkle in Ben’s eyes makes him feel more steady. He nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wouldn’t be. No one would find out, and we could share a bed, for once.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He says that last part quietly, so that no one will hear, and enjoys the way it makes Ben blush. Hux smiles, tilts his head, and watches as Ben bites his lip and then nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- yes, I would like that, Hux. I would like that very much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Hux breathes, heart swelling in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A whole weekend with Ben. No one to bother them. With his father being so stingy about his privacy, the servants all know not to bother him, to stay away unless called. No one will know Ben is spending the night in Hux’s bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux counts the days until his father leaves, giddy anticipation staying with him during all hours of the day. He can’t think of anything but all the time he’ll get to spend with Ben. By the time Friday arrives, he’s ready to jump out of his own skin, and barely manages to contain his smile as he sees his father off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben arrives later in the day, and they take their dinner together, with no one there to bother them, for once able to enjoy each other’s company more freely. They talk and laugh, and then they sit in front of the fireplace for hours, caught up in conversation and each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the time comes to retire for the night, Hux leads Ben through the darkened hallways towards his bedroom. His heart is beating faster, nearly choking him, as he lights a candle and closes the door behind them. Engulfed by silence, they look at each other in the dim light. Hux feels suddenly nervous, because this is new territory. Ben has never been to his private rooms before. They’ve never even had a bed before, all of their past encounters happening in places where they had to be fast and careful about it. This is new, and it frightens Hux, how monumental it feels. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then Ben reaches out, takes Hux’s hand in his own much bigger, much warmer one, and pulls him close. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Show me, Hux. Show me how to be with you,” he whispers, voice so incredibly gentle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux sighs, overcome with emotion, and pulls Ben into a soft kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They undress each other unhurriedly, taking time to watch the other one carefully. Hux’s eyes trace the broad, pale expanse of Ben’s chest, the moles speckled here and there, the dark hair on his strong legs, the darker hair leading down from his navel to his pelvis. He lets his fingers follow, gently touching everywhere he can reach, mapping Ben’s whole body, until Ben his breathing heavily, visibly aroused. Then, he lets Ben do the same, rough fingertips skirting over soft skin, making Hux sigh and whimper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They get lost in each other, touching for what feels like hours, illuminated only by the moonlight falling in through the window and the soft glow of the flickering candle. When they finally fall onto the bed, limbs tangling on silk sheets, Hux feels wound up, arousal tight and heavy in his gut. He pulls Ben on top of him, kissing him deeply, their bodies touching everywhere. They bring each other off like this, rubbing against each other, heavy breath mingling, skin slick with sweat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After, they lie together, entangled, still kissing languidly, because they have all the time in the world. They keep touching, unable to stop, exploring each other’s bodies until Hux feels hot and wanting again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, he gets some oil out of his nightstand, and lets Ben open him up. It’s slow, Ben taking his time, amazed and careful and eager to please all at the same time. Hux guides him through it, tells him what to do and how, with quiet, breathless words. Soon, his whole body is burning up, tingling with anticipation. As Ben finally pushes into him, the both of them moaning in tandem, holding onto each other tightly, Hux feels as if his body consists only of passion. Being together with Ben like this, in this most intimate way, makes him feel close to bursting, already on the edge way too soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t take long, both of them too desperate, but it’s perfect nonetheless, and afterwards they stay pressed against each other for a long time. Ben presses open-mouthed kisses to Hux’s neck, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, and Hux hugs him to his chest as tightly as he can, never wanting to let him go again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stay up almost until morning, learning new ways to get lost in each other, finding immense pleasure in each other, resting and talking in between, always touching. At one point, Ben allows Hux to take him, too, and Hux is mesmerized by the way Ben’s face contorts in surprised arousal as Hux pushes into him. He loses track of time. There is only want, only touch, warmth. Only Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they finally fall asleep, sheets ruffled around them, bodies sticky and covered in bite marks, hair tangled, they hold each other as close as possible. Hux presses his ear against Ben’s chest, listening to his heartbeat until he drifts off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day, he feels sore all over, exhausted from the past night, but it’s a pleasant ache, one that makes him smile and flush. Ben smiles at him as he blinks awake, and Hux can’t help but kiss him again, bringing him off with his mouth to wake him up properly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After they eat breakfast together, they go out, wandering the city as they often do, looking at storefronts, visiting the park. They spend the whole day together, enjoying each other’s company, returning to the house in the afternoon for some tea. They sit in the library after that, reading quietly, simply basking in the presence of the other. Hux has never known something simple to be this nice. It surprises him, that they don’t even have to talk to be content. Realizing this makes him smile involuntarily, and he looks up from his book, at Ben, only to find that Ben is already watching him. His smile widens, and so does Ben’s, and the whole thing feels so nice, so normal, that it makes Hux ache. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After dinner they go to bed together again, once more finding pleasure in each other, in ever new and adventurous ways, until it’s late in the night and they’re too exhausted to keep their eyes open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On Sunday, they sleep in, and barely leave the bed all day. As the day progresses, Hux starts to feel fidgety, acutely aware that the time they have together is running out. Tomorrow morning, Ben will have to leave. Later in the day, his father will return, and things will go back to normal. They’ll have to meet in secret again, no unhurried moments like this anymore. The thought almost breaks Hux’s heart, but he tries to push it to the back of his mind, focusing on the time they have left instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, it’s rougher than before, a certain urgency sneaking into their touches, the whole thing biting and scratching and fast and hard. Hux aches afterwards, and Ben is out of breath, sweat making his hair stick to his forehead, but they go again shortly after. Hux wants to be able to feel Ben for days, wants to remember these nights they had together for as long as possible. He wants bruises and bitemarks to remind him of the way it felt, wants to see proof of this weekend when he looks in the mirror, wants to feel that throbbing pain when he presses against the spots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they have thoroughly exerted themselves, they lie there arm in arm, seeking each other’s warmth. Hux looks out of the window, at the snow falling heavily from the sky, thick flakes drifting down onto the streets, hitting the glass, glistening in the moonlight, making the night sky look a lot lighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux can feel Ben next to him, feels the way his chest rises and falls, with the way they’re pressed together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?” Ben whispers. As if he’s scared of breaking the strange spell that has fallen over them, keeping them locked in this wonderful, endless moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux sighs, unsure how to answer that question. He’s thinking about so many things right now, mostly about how he doesn't want to lose the feeling of Ben in this bed, next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The future,” he settles on. He doesn’t want to sound as melancholic as he’s feeling, doesn’t want to ruin this last night with sad words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben hums, buries his nose in the crook of Hux’s neck. They fall quiet again, simply feeling each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish this weekend would never end,” Ben says after a while, voice muffled with the way he’s pressing his face against Hux. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux turns around at that, strokes Ben’s arm and side with gentle fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. That would be nice,” he agrees quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben lifts his head, looks at Hux. He’s so pretty in the low light, dark lashes framing his pretty eyes, lips bitten red, skin pale as snow, dark hair falling in front of his face messily. Hux reaches up to touch his cheek, lets Ben do the same, closing his eyes as he feels Ben’s thumb trace his cheekbone, his brows, down his nose, brushing against his lashes. He wants to burn this moment of peaceful quiet into his mind forever, wants to never forget the way his chest feels tight and light at the same time, the both of them the only people in the world for a few short hours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is a lump stuck in his throat, and Hux feels like he might suffocate on it, like the intensity of his emotions might end him right there. Before Ben, he didn’t think he was capable of such all-consuming feelings, didn’t think he was capable of feelings even close to what he is experiencing right now. He might be the more experienced of the two of them, but being with Ben has already taught him so much. He isn’t the same person he was last spring. He feels changed, made anew by Ben’s affection, and it’s perhaps the most incredible thing he has ever felt in his life. Knowing that Ben feels it too, or something close to it, at least, makes Hux want to weep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to stay with you for as long as possible, Ben,” he says, sounding rough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben says nothing, quietly waits for him to continue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux swallows before he continues, his fingers playing with Ben’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mean this weekend. I mean I want to stay with you for weeks, for months, maybe years, if you’ll have me. I don’t… I’ve never felt anything like this before. You must know how dear you are to me, Ben. I don’t want this to end.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And despite the months that have passed since they first kissed in that garden, surrounded by blooming flowers, he can’t remember ever speaking this plainly about what he feels, about what he wants. It had gone unsaid, for the most part. Even Ben, the more talkative, the more affectionate one, hasn’t talked about the future like this before. Still, Hux doesn’t feel uncertain about his words. He already knows that Ben feels the same way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is proven right when Ben leans forward, presses their foreheads together. His hand rests on Hux’s neck, warm and comforting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll stay with you for as long as you want me, Hux,” he promises, pressing a featherlight kiss to Hux’s cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Hux answers. Then adds, because this feels like the right time to be honest, “I won’t marry your sister.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben freezes for a second, then looks at him with wide eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t marry your sister. I can’t. I thought I could, but now… I don’t think I could bring myself to do it. It wouldn’t be fair to her, or to you. I won’t do it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben frowns. “But… your father. You said-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I know what I said, about not having a choice. But I- I’ll think of something. There must be a way out of this. He can’t make me do it. He can’t keep deciding over my life like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux holds his breath, heart beating fast, as he watches Ben’s expression. It remains dumbfounded for a moment, before a wide smile spreads on his lips. He kisses Hux again, more demanding now, and Hux is overcome by relief. He pulls Ben closer, wraps his arms around his shoulders and licks into his mouth, wanting to taste him. He feels giddy with joy, and hopeful, and distracted from what will come tomorrow, at least for now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They come together again, Ben pushing into him, slowly, holding each other tightly, kissing and laughing, and Hux thinks it goes on for ages, the both of them suspended in time. They keep going until the sun creeps over the horizon, making the snow outside shine brightly. It feels like it could last forever, just them, together like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It can’t, of course. Much too soon, it’s time for Ben to leave. They dress in silence, and kiss for a long time by the door to Hux’s room, not daring to open it and step back outside just yet. Hux can already feel the emptiness in his bed acutely, can feel himself missing Ben as if he’s gone already. After they finally part, Hux leads Ben out of the house, looks after him until Ben is gone from sight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spends the rest of the morning in a daze, not quite grasping that his time with Ben has come to an end yet. Only when his father’s carriage arrives, and Brendol enters the house with a deep scowl on his face, his steps loud and voice harsh, does Hux truly realize.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The past weekend has felt like a dream, like the most wonderful, breathtaking dream he has ever had. Almost too magical to be true. But now, it’s time to wake up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Brendol is at it again, being generally terrible.<br/>Also, the smut happens in this chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warnings at the end!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>February brings with it even more snow. While it’s freezing cold outside, it is also beautiful, and Hux finds himself taking many walks around the park with Ben, simply admiring their surroundings. A few times, Ben brings paper and charcoal along, and sketches the barren trees, the little pond, frozen over with ice, the benches covered in glittering white crystals. He also draws Hux, sometimes, and it makes Hux flush with pleased embarrassment every time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The memories of the weekend they spent together stay fresh in Hux’s mind, no matter how many days pass. Even when the marks on his skin have faded, he lies awake at night, fingers tracing patterns over his sheets, remembering how warm and alive and perfect Ben felt next to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This brief reprieve from his routine sticks with him, gets him through the cold winter nights. He feels off kilter, now that he knows what his life could be like, in an ideal world. In contrast, the life he has seems much more glum all of a sudden. Hux notices, maybe for the first time in his life, how much Brendol pushes him around, how much he lets his father tell him what to do and how and when. Now that he has fully realized it, he can’t ignore it anymore. It’s as if a weight has settled on his shoulders, and with every passing day it gets heavier, weighing him down and making it hard to breathe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With every passing day, it becomes more and more clear that he can’t carry on like this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His decision to not marry Miss Rey seems like a beacon of hope to him, the one time he’ll defy his father, hopefully the first of many. It makes him nervous, his hands start to sweat if he just thinks about it, but he knows it’s what he has to do. It’s what is best for all of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One afternoon in late February, Miss Rey tells him she doesn’t want to sit around at home with him like they usually do. Instead, she invites him to come along on a walk through the park. Hux is surprised at first, but pleasantly so, and agrees. It’s almost funny, how similar the siblings are to each other, even though Ben always denies it vehemently. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they meet in the park, Miss Rey isn’t accompanied by Ben. Hux feels oddly disappointed by that. He’d been looking forward to seeing Ben today, which might be stupid, because they’d seen each other just two days ago. But then again, Hux would like to see Ben at all times, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Instead, the small and elderly Mrs Kanata is walking beside Miss Rey, the both of them deep in conversation, laughing as they approach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good afternoon, Miss,” Hux greets her politely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Miss Rey smiles up at him. “And a good afternoon to you too, Mr Hux. I hope you weren’t inconvenienced by my decision to meet here. This park is such a beautiful place in winter.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not at all, Miss. Shall we get going, then?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nods and her smile widens. As they walk around leisurely, both of them quietly taking in their surroundings, Hux’s palms start sweating despite the cold. His heart beats faster, and he swallows around the lump that has suddenly formed in his throat. With every step they take, his resolve to tell her about his decision strengthens, but his nerves get worse, too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thoughts swirl around in his head like snowflakes blown away by the wind, and the doubts and worries gnawing at him make it almost impossible to start a conversation. Once or twice, Hux comments on the scenery, something inane about how pretty the trees look and how nice the snow is, and he can tell Miss Rey is amused by this, but it doesn’t help. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He keeps glancing back at Mrs Kanata, who is walking a few steps behind them, whistling happily. He isn’t sure how good her hearing is, but he’d rather have this conversation out of earshot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But before Hux can decide how to broach the topic and muster up his courage, Miss Rey turns towards him and raises her brows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You seem like you have something on your mind,” she simply states. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux breathes out heavily. He blinks and averts his eyes, because he cannot stand the way she looks at him, as if she’s seeing right through him, as if she already knows what he wants to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their steps get slower, and on a small wooden bridge, crossing a frozen stream, they come to a stop completely. Miss Rey sets her gloved hands down on the railing and turns to look out over the park, the ground glittering in the sunlight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux stands next to her, glances down at her, then behind him at Mrs Kanata. Maybe she can sense that this is a moment of importance, because she stays back far enough that she won’t overhear, looking suddenly very interested in the trees on the far side of the path. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Miss Rey waits quietly, patiently, for him to start talking. Hux realizes that he appreciates it immensely, because he cannot for the life of him figure out how to be delicate about this. Maybe it is best to be blunt, just this once, to just say it outright without holding back. Because that’s what this is about, isn’t it? For him to stop playing a part he isn’t meant to play. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Miss Rey. In the past year, we have become quite close acquaintances. And that has no doubt been a very pleasant experience. But, and I can only apologize sincerely for this, I won’t ask for your hand in marriage. Not now, and not in the future.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He waits for her response with bated breath. Finally, after a silence that stretches for what feels like a century, Miss Rey nods, a tiny smile spreading on her lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. I’ve known for quite some time.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux turns around abruptly, mouth falling open. Miss Rey smiles up at him gently. He doesn’t understand what is happening. What is she saying? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I- you- excuse me?” he stutters. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She chuckles, then looks away from him again, at the scenery, maybe sensing that that makes it easier for him to breathe, to try and get himself together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you were truly interested in me, you would have done something about it already. Talked to my parents about it, or talked to me about it. Anything. But you didn’t do that. All these months, and all you did was come to my house for a cup of tea and some conversation. I knew you didn’t plan to ask for my hand, Mr Hux.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She says it so calmly, as if this is a completely normal conversation, like any other they’ve had in the past. As if she isn’t bothered by this, by him, at all. As if she hasn’t caught him completely off guard, throwing a wrench in his plans to carefully explain the situation, leaving him lost and reeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t understand,” Hux gasps out, frowning, trying to make sense out of all of this. “If you knew, why did you…?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She laughs, a bright sound, and turns to look up at him with a wide smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Mr Hux. You’re smart, but sometimes you can be incredibly dense.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux’s mouth falls open again, affronted at her words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I never intended to marry you. I want to spend my life with a man I love, and you are not that man. I think you know that. I know I’m not that woman for you either. Or that person,” Miss Rey says, and there’s a secretive glint in her eyes now, one that makes Hux’s eyes widen and his heart beat faster. She looks at him too knowingly, as if she has him all figured out. Before he has the chance to work himself into a frenzy about it, she continues talking, in that gentle voice again, as if he is an animal that she doesn’t want to frighten. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But during the past months, you have become a sort of friend to me. I enjoy your company, most of the time. I didn’t think I would, in the beginning. I think you feel the same way. Even if neither of us intended to spend our lives with each other, I think that it was nice to spend time with you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She pauses, thinking, then laughs again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And your presence kept away other potential suitors. That was an added benefit of the situation.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux lets out a shaky chuckle. His thoughts are swirling around in his head, he is confused and his mind is a mess, but he also feels lighter, somehow. As if part of the weight he has been carrying around with him has been lifted off of his shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well. That was… unexpected," he says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can hear how rattled he sounds, but he doesn't care. The shock of Miss Rey's admission is starting to wear off, and he can see it all more clearly now: She isn't angry or hurt or confused. She wants the same thing he does. They're not working against each other, but together. They won't get married. Utter relief expands in his chest, makes him feel like he's floating. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Miss Rey tilts her head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Was it really? In any case, I'm glad that we are on the same page now," she muses and Hux can't help but agree. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nods, and Miss Rey smiles her gentle smile again. Then, a mischievous glint flickers to life in her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I do hope you don't plan to stop visiting me, Mr Hux. I must admit I would miss you. And I think my brother Ben would, too." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The smirk she throws his way is very knowing, and almost sends him into a panic again. But Miss Rey doesn't elaborate further, doesn't make any scathing remarks or terrible jokes. She just smiles to herself, and then she starts walking again, slowly making her way over the bridge and onto the meadow beyond it, snow and ice crunching under her feet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux stares after her, baffled, unsure how to proceed now. This entire conversation feels unreal, like a dream, as if it never really happened. He can't believe it should really be that easy. There must be a catch somewhere, some obstacle he is missing. There is simply no way for it all to work out so well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she notices he isn't following her, Miss Rey turns her head slightly, looking at him over her shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you coming, Mr Hux? Our walk isn't over yet." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She says it kindly, as she does everything. Hux takes a moment to breathe, to gather his bearings, and then he follows her, steps light.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he returns home in the evening, Hux still feels elated, something like hope expanding in his chest. The first hurdle is crossed, and it went far better than he ever would have imagined. It seems like, maybe, this will all work out in the end. Slowly, Hux is starting to see a future for himself that he always thought was impossible. A future where he doesn’t marry Miss Rey, where he doesn’t marry anyone, where he isn’t miserable living with a woman he doesn’t love. A future that he spends with someone he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does </span>
  </em>
  <span>love, even if it has to be in secret. And love seems like such a big word, such a scary thing to even consider. But the months he has spent with Ben have been unlike anything he has ever done, anything he has ever felt before, and maybe, this is what love feels like. Wanting to risk it all, just to be with that one special person for a little while longer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thought makes Hux blush, but it also makes him happy, and that happiness stays with him. It stays with him until dinner, until his father sits down at the table with him and they start eating. Until Brendol lifts his head up from his plate and fixes Hux with an ice-cold glare, one that cuts right through him, and opens his mouth to speak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You spent the day with the Solo girl, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux swallows his food down, takes his time responding. He’s still feeling that residue euphoria, and can’t bring himself to cower in front of his father. Not today. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did. Why are you asking?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol continues to glower. For a moment, they look at each other in silence. Hux knows that this is risky, and he shouldn’t provoke his father’s anger, because it will no doubt end badly for him. But the success of the day, the ensuing optimism, is still residing within him, spurring him on. Making him braver than he would otherwise be. And so he holds Brendol’s gaze, steady, not backing down, waiting for him to carry on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And what did you do?” Brendol asks, sounding very clearly annoyed at having to inquire again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux smiles, tight lipped. He knows that what he is going to say is not the answer his father wants to hear, but it’s the only one he is willing to give.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We talked,” he states plainly, enjoying the way Brendol’s brows furrow further in confusion, then anger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s all? You talked?” he hisses. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol always had a short temper. Hux of all people knows this. He has had to live with it for twenty-six years already, and has become intimately acquainted with Brendol’s outbursts. He knows the signs well by now, knows when to back down and be quiet, when to avert his eyes and nod and agree and do everything in his power to not become the focus of Brendol’s wrath again. This is such a moment, where the smartest course of action would be to sound especially apologetic. Already, Brendol’s eyes are twitching, his mouth a grim line. But Hux is maybe feeling just a bit stupid today, empowered by his newly found autonomy, more steadfast than he can remember ever being before. And so he does something he definitely shouldn’t do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, that’s all. We talked. It was nice,” he says, voice provocative, precisely because he knows he shouldn’t. Precisely because he knows it will make Brendol angry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s almost comical, the way Brendol’s face slowly turns red. Hux imagines smoke coming out of his ears and nearly grins at the thought, but that would maybe push his luck a little too much. He doesn’t quite understand what has gotten into him, challenging his father like this. He knows what is coming, yet he still doesn’t back down. He keeps staring at Brendol, feigning nonchalance as the corners of Brendol’s mouth pull down, barely concealed fury on his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t care whether it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>nice</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Brendol spits. “I care whether you did as you were told! Did I not make myself clear enough the last time we talked about this? I don’t have any patience left for your damned idling, you useless boy! This is your last warning!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His last few words come out as a shout. Hux flinches away on instinct, and as soon as he notices the way his body responds to his father’s voice, he feels his own anger start to bubble up inside him, rising up his throat like bile, nearly choking him with its sudden intensity. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux hates being called useless. Words can’t describe how much he hates it, how much he hates the way his father talks to him. He hates that he has endured this for so many years, and how powerless he felt, how powerless a part of him still feels. This is his father. There’s not much he can do to stop him. But, for heaven’s sake, Hux doesn’t have any patience left either, for the constant belittling, the insults, the way Brendol thinks he can do with Hux what he wants. Hux is his own person. His father just hasn’t noticed yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And he is so tired of always playing according to his father’s rules. He is so tired of not being allowed his own opinion, of all of his father’s expectations and demands. He is so damn tired. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words gather on his tongue before he has even made the conscious decision to say them, the taste of them bitter, acidic, and he knows this is an incredibly bad idea, monumentally bad, really, but. But. He has had enough of his father’s demands, and he has had enough of being pushed around, and of never speaking his mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually. Father. I told Miss Rey something quite important today,” Hux says, and he knows how angry he sounds, and he doesn’t care one bit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol’s eyes widen slightly at the sound of his voice, no doubt surprised that Hux is speaking to him like that. He’s never done anything like this before. He has never spoken to his father like this, and it feels so indescribably good. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And what, pray tell, is that? What could you possibly have to say that could be classified as </span>
  <em>
    <span>important</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”, Brendol asks, tilting his head in mild curiosity and more than mild annoyance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux feels his lips twist in a cruel smile. He is, suddenly, excited beyond words, and so nervous he feels nauseous. His heart is beating too fast, and his palms are sweating. He clenches his hands into fists, driving his nails into his flesh, to try and stop the nerves. Never before in his life has Hux wanted to say something so bad. The words are waiting on the tip of his tongue, and he wants to spit them in his father’s face like poison. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told her that I am not going to marry her.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a few seconds, it seems as if time is standing still. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one makes a sound. No one moves. Hux wouldn’t be surprised if they both stopped breathing. He knows, with a bone-deep certainty, that this is the last moment of his life as he knows it, and that, in the blink of an eye, it will be over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, the spell seems to break. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As the words register, Brendol’s face slowly contorts, showing first confusion, then morphing into utter fury. Hux expects it, looks forward to it, even, the way Brendol gets entirely consumed by ugly anger. He doesn’t expect the force with which Brendol’s hand hits the table, making the cutlery clutter loudly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you just say?” Brendol demands, clenching his teeth. There’s a vein pulsating on his temple. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux looks at him, and he can’t help but sneer, losing his temper too, for once. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told her I won’t marry her. That she will </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>be my wife, under any circumstances. How do you like that, </span>
  <em>
    <span>father</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” he spits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol lets out a growl that barely sounds human, and jumps up so fast his chair falls over with a resounding bang. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How I like that? You absolute fool, Armitage! How dare you do something like this? I was still holding out hope that you might turn into a respectable man. But I should have known what a stupid, good-for-nothing boy you really are. You will go to her and take it back! Immediately!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux doesn’t flinch as Brendol shouts at him, only clenches his fists tighter, clenches his jaw. When Brendol finishes, he stands, too, leaning forward over the table. He lets his father get a good look at him, at the determination in his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. I will not. I will not marry her. And you don’t get to tell me what to do anymore. I am done with your games, and I am done being your pawn,” Hux says, slowly, dangerously calm, pronouncing every word loud and clear, so that Brendol understands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am your </span>
  <em>
    <span>father</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and you do what I </span>
  <em>
    <span>say</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Brendol roars, looking as if he wants to hit the table again, or better yet, Hux. But Hux is too far away, so he ends up simply making a fist. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> your property!” Hux shouts back. “I will not marry Rey Solo. And I will not marry anyone else you pick out for me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Again, they stare at each other, breathing heavily. The air between them is charged, electricity sizzling, emotions weighing heavily, almost tangible. It’s like the moment before a thunderstorm, when the clouds are already dark, the storm brewing, the anticipation before the crash. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol looks at Hux like he is trying to set him on fire with his eyes, like he is trying to understand where he went wrong, how it came to this. Hux is content to let him keep trying. He has known his father for long enough, and he knows that Brendol won’t understand, and that he won’t apologize. But Hux doesn’t need an apology, or understanding, or anything like that from him. What he needs is to speak his mind, and for Brendol to listen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, suddenly, Brendol starts laughing. It’s a loud, cruel sound. It unnerves Hux. He has never heard his father like this. And he knows how to deal with Brendol’s anger and his disapproval, but he doesn’t know how to deal with this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You really think I’m stupid, don’t you? You really think I don’t know why you’re doing this? That I don’t know your dirty little secret? Who you choose to spend your time with?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words are so surprising, so utterly unexpected, that they make Hux flinch back. It’s like a slap to the face. Like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown at his head. Hux freezes, words stuck in his throat, thoughts racing. This is not what he planned. This is not how this was supposed to go. His father can’t know. It’s impossible. There is no way Brendol knows. But Brendol is still talking, and with every word the blood in Hux’s veins runs colder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“People talk, Armitage, did you realize that? Everyone talks, and they’re all talking about you. How you’re not married. How you’re not interested in any of the girls. The way you act. The way you talk, the way you look. They’re all gossiping. You’re bringing shame to this family. And now this! Do you know what they’ll say? Do you know what consequences this will have?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux is silent, unable to say anything, to defend himself. He feels cold sweat on his back, feels nauseous, and dizzy, and his legs are shaking. He can’t believe this is happening. This </span>
  <em>
    <span>cannot</span>
  </em>
  <span> be happening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol is still shouting at him, unleashing all his fury, but Hux can’t hear him anymore. He is frozen with dread, his ears ringing. He doesn’t understand how Brendol can </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He was so careful. All these years, he has been so careful, and he has been trying so hard, and for what? Telling his father he doesn’t want to get married is one thing. His father throwing in his face that he knows about Hux is something else entirely. It’s bad, it’s so incredibly, terrifyingly bad, that Hux doesn’t know what to do now, what to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol has blindsided him with this, a foul strategy, so fitting for such a foul man. This is cruel, even for Brendol. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux tries to catch his breath, tries to pull himself together. Tries to think. All of the sudden, he doesn’t have the upper hand anymore. The whole situation has slid out of his grasp so fast he barely even noticed, but maybe he can still somehow salvage this. Maybe there’s still a way for him to get this right again, to do something, anything. He has to at least try. He can’t just give up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t let Brendol win. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, Hux starts to focus again, pulling himself back from the brink of panic. He blinks, looks at Brendol, takes in what Brendol is saying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I may not know who you’ve been seeing, but I do know you’ve been sneaking around with someone. You’re a disgrace, Armitage. To me, to this family.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words bring both relief and a new wave of fury. Hux barely has the time to be glad that Brendol doesn’t know about Ben, that Brendol won’t have the chance to ruin him. Instead, he zones in on the insults, so painfully familiar now, yet still so hurtful. Hearing them again now, hearing what Brendol thinks of him, the emotions of the day and the shock of being found out, make something inside of him snap. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop talking to me like that!” Hux screams, so loud it makes his throat hurt. His vision is blurry, blood rushing in his ears. “You’re no better than I am! You’re a terrible person, and I’ve spent every day of my life hating you!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol looks at him unphased. As if the words don’t matter to him at all. It only makes Hux more furious, makes him want to throw something across the table at his father’s stupid face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I am a terrible person,” Brendol says, and he sounds so deadly calm, his anger ice-cold. “But at least I’m not a deviant like you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux’s breathing becomes shallow, and it takes a tremendous amount of self control not to fling himself at his father. He tries to steady himself. Tries to calm down, but he is too angry. There are </span>
  <em>
    <span>years</span>
  </em>
  <span> of pent-up anger, of quiet resentment, stacked up inside of him, and now that he is finally letting it all out, he can’t stop. He wants to shout the most scathing insults he can think of. He wants to make Brendol hurt like Brendol hurt him, even though he knows there is nothing he could say that would affect Brendol like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He takes a deep breath, shaking with anger, and narrows his eyes at Brendol, glaring daggers at him. Over the years, he has believed many things that Brendol said about him. But he knows, with absolute certainty, that the things he feels for Ben, or has felt towards any other men in the past, aren’t dirty, or wrong, or deviant. If they were, it wouldn’t feel so right to be with Ben. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He has had enough of Brendol’s hate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Hux says, and he puts all the authority he can muster into it, all the conviction. All that anger. “Stop it. I am done with this. I won’t allow you to treat me like I’m nothing more than a piece of dirt stuck to your shoe anymore. Do you understand that? I don’t care what you think of me. But I won’t let you treat me like this anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol rolls his eyes at him, scoffs, his face bright red and looking like he is about to explode. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve always been too stubborn for your own good. You stupid, stupid child.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The disdain in Brendol’s voice hurts, and his words hurt, but Hux still can’t back down. He has to march on, has to push back. It feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> good to finally push back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a child,” he growls, low and dangerous. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And yet you’re acting like one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol stares at him for a moment, calculating. Then something lights up in his eyes, something terrible and cruel and gleeful, and Hux has never hated the sight of him more. He prepares himself for another bout of Brendol’s shouting, for his booming loud voice, spittle flying everywhere. He prepares himself for another hit against the table or a kick at the fallen chair, breaking cutlery, maybe, some loud crash and bang. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that’s not what happens. Instead, Brendol’s voice is steady and almost calm when he speaks again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me be very clear now, Armitage, and make sure you listen. I won’t say this again. If you don’t tell the Solo girl you’re taking your words back...” and he stops for emphasis here, and Hux looks at him, and he knows what is coming, feels sudden, utter despair growing in his gut, because no, this can’t be happening-  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You will be disowned.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There it is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hux feels like someone has pulled the floor out from beneath him, and he is falling, falling, falling, spiralling down into his doom, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. He can only watch as a vicious grin spreads on Brendol’s lips, making him look like the monster he is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I am not joking about this. I’ve had enough of your nonsense. Tomorrow, you will go to her. And if you don’t, you are no longer welcome in this house. That is all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brendol glares at him, one last time, absolutely scathing, taking in Hux’s sudden change in demeanor, his undoubtedly shocked expression, before he turns around and leaves. Hux is left alone in the dining room, the food still on the table, Brendol’s chair on the floor. His throat feels raw. His eyes are stinging. It’s hard to breathe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The silence after their shouting match is almost deafening, and Hux can still hear Brendol’s parting words. Disowned. It echoes around in his head, the threat making him feel like he’s going to throw up, making him want to scream. There is no way this is happening, no way Brendol means it. He only cares about the family line carrying on, that’s why he wants Hux to settle down and have children, he wouldn’t disown his only son. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Except this </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> happening, and Hux knows his father well enough to know he isn’t joking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Somehow, the confrontation that had started out bringing him such immense satisfaction has ended up utterly destroying him. He knows that’s why Brendol said it, that’s why Brendol would go to such drastic measures. Simply because he finds joy in seeing Hux suffer. Because, as he said, Hux is a disgrace to the family. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words keep circling around in his head, making him feel numb, and lost, and lonely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He belatedly notices how badly he’s shaking, and slowly lets himself sink into his chair again. Then, he sits there, unmoving, unblinking, staring blankly ahead. This did not go the way he wanted it to. This escalated into utter chaos, and now he can’t think straight, doesn’t know what to do and where to go and how to act. He is on the verge of panic, but too shocked to really feel it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The euphoria he felt just this afternoon is gone. All that is left is emptiness. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Brendol and Hux have a pretty bad argument in this chapter. This is the worst instance of Brendol's verbal abuse so far, he shouts at Hux and insults him, and is also homophobic (calling Hux dirty, a disgrace etc.). Hux briefly wonders if Brendol is going to hit him, but that doesn't happen. Brendol also threatens to disown Hux, because of his sexuality and unwillingness to get married.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warnings in the end notes!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hux stumbles out of the house at dawn the next day. The cold seeps through his clothes immediately, and he nearly slips, patches of ice covering the ground. Heavy fog hangs over the city in these early morning hours, making it hard to see, giving everything an eerie glow. Hux doesn’t let that stop him. He walks through the streets briskly, already out of breath. He just wants to leave the house and his father inside it behind as fast as possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Last night, he barely slept. Once he finally made himself stand up from the dinner table, walking towards his bedroom in a daze, the sky had already turned dark. He barely remembers getting ready for bed. He just remembers endless hours spent fidgeting, turning around restlessly, staring at the ceiling, his thoughts spiralling, becoming darker and ever darker with every passing minute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew he had to do something. Knew that he couldn’t just sit around, idly waiting for his father to make his threat come true. But he couldn’t figure out what exactly to do, his mind too muddled and sleep-deprived. He still doesn’t know, but he figures that the best course of action for now is to stay as far away from his father as he can. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had gotten out of bed and started dressing as soon as he noticed the sky beginning to brighten. He’d done it with haste, paying no mind to his appearance, his clothes and hair no doubt ruffled. Normally, he’d never leave the house like this, but, well. The circumstances are anything but. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sneaking out of the house unnoticed had been easy, his father still asleep and the servants barely getting started with their day, breakfast not to be served for another few hours. Leaving this early buys him more time, and Hux is sure he will need it. He doesn’t want to think about what Brendol will do when he notices that Hux has snuck away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This early in the morning, with the temperatures being so low, the streets are still blissfully empty, and Hux can remain mostly unnoticed. He still hurries. He needs to see Ben, as soon as he can, and tell him about what happened with Brendol. Right now, Hux feels lost, but he is holding out hope that, maybe, being in Ben’s presence will bring him some clarity. He longs for Ben’s warm and comforting embrace, and if he has that, if he has him, he can start thinking about how to carry on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually, he would ride a carriage to the Solo estate, but that seemed too risky, and Hux doesn’t want his father to find out where he is going. And so he walks, heart hammering in his chest, everything about him still a mess, focused solely on the desire to see Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Solos live on the other side of the city, and it takes Hux long to get there, too long. He doesn’t know exactly what time it is, but the city is slowly starting to wake up around him, the sky turning brighter and sunbeams creeping over the horizon. His father must be awake by now, or will be soon, and that thought fills Hux with more even more anxious energy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally makes his way up the gravel road towards the entrance, the house seemingly getting bigger with every step he takes, Hux can’t help but let out a relieved breath. But then he stops dead in his tracks, so close to his destination, and it suddenly hits him how stupid he is being. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s too early in the morning to turn up at someone else’s house uninvited. He can’t just… barge in there like this, all ruffled, on the brink of a meltdown. And he doesn’t know which room is Ben’s, how to find him, or if he is even at home. He should be, but what if he isn’t? Hux briefly considers walking around the house and peering into every window he can reach, but he discards that idea almost as soon as it occurs to him. He isn’t that pathetic, not yet. As much as his father tries to drive it out of him, he still has some pride left, and he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to creep around the house like a petty criminal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stands there, the cold air filling his lungs, desperation slowly gripping him. He is so close to Ben, and yet so far away, and he doesn’t know what to do. That feeling of utter helplessness makes Hux nearly choke, makes his eyes sting again. He bites his lips, tries to keep himself under control. This is not the place, not the time, to break down. He’ll think of something. Or he’ll just… wait here, for a little longer, until he can be sure everyone in the house is awake, and it won’t be incredibly suspicious to knock on the front door and demand to speak to Benjamin Solo. Yes, he’ll do just that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux sighs, noticing just now how cold he really is. His fingertips and toes are numb, and he is shivering, and a freezing dampness has settled over his body. Resigning himself to spending who knows how much longer out here in the cold, Hux looks around, maybe for a place where he can settle down, or at least seek shelter from the wind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he doesn’t even get that far. Just as he is about to step away from the house again, a shout makes him startle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hux?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is unmistakably Ben’s voice, sounding startled and confused, though far away. Hux looks up, his heart suddenly beating faster. It takes him a moment to spot Ben. There, on the second floor, he is standing at an opened window, still wearing his nightgown. He is too far away to make out any details, but Hux imagines his ruffled hair and his sleep-softened eyes and it makes some of the biting cold melt away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here?” Ben shouts at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that brings Hux back, brings it all crashing down on him again. He shivers, and wraps his arms around himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to see you!” he shouts back. “I- my father, he- it’s… complicated and I-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice cracks, embarrassingly, and Hux stops, tries to swallow past the lump in his throat. He feels pathetic, standing out here in the cold, unable to even explain what he is doing, and why, depending solely on Ben’s kindness right now. The possibility that Ben might send him away makes him feel briefly frightened. But before he has the chance to descend down that path into panic and worry, Ben speaks up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll let you in! Wait for me, I won’t take long!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux suppresses a wry laugh. As if he has anywhere else to go. Before he has the chance to answer, Ben has already closed the window, and Hux is left alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It can’t take more than a few minutes, but the time he spends waiting feels like centuries. When Ben finally opens the front door, looking adorably ruffled and very concerned, Hux almost collapses with relief. He hurries over to Ben, stumbling over his own feet in his haste to enter the warm house. Ben closes the door behind them, and reaches for Hux, worry written all over his face, and Hux can’t control himself any longer. He throws himself at Ben, wraps his arms around his neck, pressing himself against his warm, comforting body. Ben grunts, surprised, but pulls Hux closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, they stay like that, and Hux soaks up the warmth, his fingertips tingling as the feeling returns to them. He wants nothing more than to stay like this for the rest of the day. But he can’t. He is here for a reason, and they’re still in the entrance hall, where anyone could walk in on them at any moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reluctantly, Hux steps away from Ben. Ben keeps his hands on Hux’s shoulders, the weight on them steady and calming. Being near Ben again makes it easier to breathe. Hux closes his eyes, centers himself, takes a moment to let his swirling thoughts calm down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hux, what is going on?” Ben whispers, stroking Hux’s cheek with gentle fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father,” he responds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben doesn’t say anything, and Hux finally opens his eyes. He looks around, making sure no one is there, then takes Ben’s hand into his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we go somewhere else? Where no one can hear us?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s brows furrow, and it’s so obvious how concerned he is, and Hux melts a bit more as he watches Ben’s expression. Then, Ben nods, and starts to lead Hux up the big flight of stairs in the entrance hall, through a maze of hallways, around corners, until they reach a room that must be Ben’s bedroom. He closes the door behind them carefully, then gestures for Hux to make himself comfortable. Hux barely takes the time to look at his surroundings. This is the first time he has seen Ben’s rooms, and yet he can’t manage to take any of it in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of sitting down, Hux starts pacing around the room, gnawing on his lip, driving his fingernails into his palms. His thoughts are racing again, but he feels less desperate. As expected, Ben’s company is already calming him down, pulling him out of his despair, and he is able to think somewhat rationally again. It’s as if the daze he has been in since yesterday evening has finally lifted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you tell me what exactly is going on now?” Ben asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t sit down either, but leans against the wall with his arms crossed, looking at Hux with his typical intense gaze. Hux stops his pacing, standing in the middle of the room, and stares back at Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father,” he says again. Then, he takes a deep breath, and continues, letting it all out. “I met with your sister yesterday. You probably know about it already. I told her I wouldn’t marry her, and it went surprisingly well. She said she didn’t have any intentions to become my wife, either. It felt so good to finally say it, Ben. It made me happy to not have to lie anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pauses, taking in Ben’s smile, small and soft. It makes his heart beat faster. Hux nearly smiles, too, before he remembers everything else that has happened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“During dinner, I told my father. We were arguing again, and I still felt so… so </span>
  <em>
    <span>invincible</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And then I told him. That I wouldn’t do what he wants anymore. It didn’t go well.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux scoffs at his own words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It didn’t go well</span>
  </em>
  <span>. That’s one way to put it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s expression changes, the smile falling away, making way for anger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it doesn’t matter what he thinks, does it? If you don’t want to do it, he can’t make you!” Ben exclaims. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux shakes his head, a bitter smile on his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said he’d disown me. If I don’t do what he says, he’s going to cast me away to live on the street, without a name, without a home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice starts to shake again as he says it, the terror of it gripping him tightly. He imagines it, for a moment: The outcast son, stripped of rank and title, sent away with nothing but the clothes he’s wearing, left to fend for himself, having never done a day of manual labour in his life. Who would want him, who would take him in, with his reputation following him everywhere? What could he do, all alone? It makes him shiver, the images of this bleak future tumbling around in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s gasp rips him out of his head, back to the present. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He can’t do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux snorts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he can, Ben. He can do whatever he wants.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, he takes a deep breath, steadying himself once more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s not all there is. My father… he knows, Ben. He knows what I am. What I do. What </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence that follows his heavy, shocked. It makes Hux’s breath quicken again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he said… he said he’d disown me, and he would, I know he would. But, Ben. My father is a cruel man. He would do so much worse things, if he wanted to. I know he would, I’ve known him all my life, and he can be so terrible, the things he says, and the things he does, and he- I-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux stops with a gasp, realizing with some surprise that he is panicking again, and that his voice is shaking, that his entire body is shaking. His eyes feel wet all of a sudden. He gasps again, trying to catch his breath, and he feels like he is going to fall to his knees at any second, overwhelmed by fear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben rushes over to him, wraps his arms around Hux, holding him upright. As Hux keeps gasping, swallowing down what he thinks might be sobs, Ben strokes his back, the repetitive motion soothing, familiar, intimate. Hux presses his face against Ben’s neck, inhaling the smell of his skin, soft strands of hair tickling his nose. It takes a long time until he is able to speak again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am so scared of him, Ben,” he admits in a whisper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben makes a sound that sounds like a growl and a sob mixed into one, and he holds Hux tighter. He says nothing, stays completely quiet, but his steadiness and his comfort say a million things. Hux clutches Ben close to him, allowing himself to show weakness for once. He feels bad about putting all of this on Ben, about burdening him with all of his emotions and his fears and now with this, with his father’s threats hanging over them. Maybe, he thinks, Ben deserves someone else, someone who is stronger. But the longer Ben holds him, the smaller his doubts get, until all that is left is the certainty that it was right to come here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stay like that for a long time. Hux starts getting tired, the sleepless night catching up with him. Ben slowly guides him towards the bed, and helps Hux undress down to his shirt and underwear. He curls up beneath the covers, pressing himself as close to Ben as he can get, and falls into a restless sleep. They stay in bed until midday, Hux sleeping fitfully, waking up again and again, his worries haunting him even in sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally blinks fully awake, the first thing he sees is Ben’s face. Waking up next to him feels so different now than it did a few weeks ago. Ben is looking at him with deep worry etched into his features. There’s something helpless, maybe desperate, in his deep brown eyes that makes Hux ache. He leans forward to kiss Ben softly; the first time today, he realizes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hux. I don’t know how to help you. What do we do?” he asks, distressed, when they pull apart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux sighs, rubbing his eyes. They feel swollen, even though he hasn’t cried. He swallows, his mouth dry, then sits up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. But I need to do something. I know it can’t go on like this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben hums, a sound of agreement. Hux stares ahead blankly. His stomach growls, and he notices that he hasn’t eaten yet, but he doesn’t feel hungry, so he ignores it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels stuck. He knows he can’t go back to Brendol, and he knows he can’t hide in Ben’s bed forever. The whole situation seems incredibly hopeless. But Hux knows that it can’t be. There has to be a solution. There always is. This is what he is good at: looking at problems, at puzzles, and figuring out what is wrong, what is missing, how to get it right again. He is smart, he knows he is. This is just another equation he has to solve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I go back to Brendol, I’ll have to get married,” he starts thinking out loud. “If I don’t go back to him, I’ll have nothing. If I go back and don’t do what he says, he’ll disown me, and I’ll have nothing. If I go back and do what he wants, he still might change his mind and disown me, or do God only knows what. No matter what I do, I could end up with nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s hand comes to rest on his lower back, moving in reassuring circles. Hux takes a deep breath. He tries to calm his mind, tries to look at it logically. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There has to be a way for me to get out of this,” he mumbles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Overcome by renewed vigor, Hux pushes the blankets to the side and gets out of bed, starts pacing around again, half dressed. Ben sits up in bed, crosses his legs, watches him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you do, I will help you. I’ll be there for you, Hux,” he says, earnest as ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux smiles at him. “Thank you, Ben. Truly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben smiles back, then smirks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can hit your father so hard he forgets everything, if you want,” he suggests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The attempt at humour makes Hux snort involuntarily. The sentiment is strangely touching, though he doubts violence will get them very far. He says as much to Ben. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think he’d care about threats like that. It’d just make him angrier, and he tends to lash out when provoked. No, we need to think of something more permanent. We need to be absolutely sure that he will leave me alone and not ruin me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben hums again, thinking. Hux keeps circling the room. It is as if the movement is making his brain work harder. At least that is what he likes to tell himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about extortion? Is there something you could threaten him with, something you know about him that he doesn’t want people to know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not a bad idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux thinks, briefly, of a young kitchen woman, her skin pale, face slim and freckled, with fair hair. The memory is vague. He hasn’t seen her since he was a child. One day she was there, holding his hand as she showed him around the kitchen, dark circles around her eyes but a tender spark hidden in there. And then, suddenly, she was gone. He doesn’t know what happened to her. Why she had to disappear so suddenly. He has his suspicions, of course. He’d reached an age where the resemblance was almost impossible to ignore, and of course, Brendol couldn’t risk anyone else finding out. It still hurts to think of her, the blurry memory a dull ache. This is just one more thing on the endless list of items that make Hux hate his father. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But in the end he shakes his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’d just say I was lying. He has power, and influence. People would believe him. And he could retaliate, if he really wanted to, and we’re back at the beginning,” he explains. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux looks out of the window, at the barren garden, the glistening, frozen ground, the remnants of fog still slithering through trees and bushes. He can vaguely make out his reflection in the glass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The problem is that, no matter what I do, my father has the upper hand. He has everything. Power, money, knowledge. There’s no way for me to do anything against him if he has all these things. As long as he is still here, there is nothing I can do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, it strikes him. The thought crystallizes out of all the others, pushing everything else aside. This is what it boils down to, the issue at hand put into the simplest terms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As long as my father is here, I can’t be free,” Hux says, slowly, and there’s a sort of morbid excitement gripping him suddenly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns around slowly, looks at Ben, eyes wide, grin no doubt looking slightly unhinged. He can see it in Ben’s eyes, the moment he understands what Hux is trying to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if he was gone?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux speaks the words almost reverently. They seem to echo around the room, seeping into every corner, expanding and making the air around them heavy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They look at each other in silence. Ben’s face is carefully blank. Hux knows he understands, but he isn’t sure what Ben thinks about it. If he would still be willing to help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, it all seems so clear that Hux is angry at himself for not figuring it out sooner. It’s all so bloody </span>
  <em>
    <span>easy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And this isn’t even the first time he has thought about it. In all honesty, getting rid of his father has been his favourite fantasy for years. He just never thought it might actually become reality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now, he knows that this is what he has to do. This is the only way. There is no way that Brendol will ever let him be. Brendol’s sole joy in life seems to be to control Hux, to make him miserable, and Hux knows there is nothing that could ever make him stop. Nothing that could ever convince him to let Hux make his own decision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For as long as he lives, Brendol will continue being cruel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But if he isn’t alive anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What then? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux laughs, the sound bursting out of him unexpectedly. It’s high and breathy and definitely hysterical, but once he starts, he can’t stop. It brings tears to his eyes and makes his stomach hurt, but he can’t stop it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s just all so ironically perfect. That this is how it should end. That, after years of making his own son go through hell, it is that son who is going to end him. Hux feels like he is living in one of the novels Miss Rey and Ben like to read, and he can’t stop laughing about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He startles when Ben suddenly starts laughing with him. With wide eyes, Hux looks at him. Takes in the dangerous glint that has sparked to life in Ben’s eyes, one that intrigues Hux to no end, that makes him want to fall to his knees for Ben right then and there. Ben’s lips twist up in a smirk, and they’re both laughing now, and Hux knows, with absolute certainty, that Ben would be willing to follow him to the end of the world, and do whatever it takes to get there. He decides, in that moment, that he is never, ever going to let Ben go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows what they have to do. He knows they will have to do it soon. They’ll have to be careful about it, plan accordingly. It won’t be easy. He’ll have to talk to Phasma, ask for her help, and he knows she’ll happily agree. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux isn’t surprised to realise he doesn’t feel any remorse. He is almost a little excited about it. Really, if he thinks about it, it seems like an inevitability. Brendol has had it coming for years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Already, Hux can imagine what it will be like, to truly be free of his cage, for the first time in his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks at Ben, and he feels his heart swell with affection. He longs to reach out and touch him, to pull him under the covers and kiss him until they both forget their names. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But not right now. Now, they have a plan to figure out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’ll have all the time in the world after that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>15th March, 18xx</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dear Phasma, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I received your letter this morning, and I must admit I am still speechless. Words cannot describe how much the news of my father’s death has shocked me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He seemed to be in full health when I left the city last week. To hear he has passed away so suddenly deeply saddens me. And I did not even have the chance to bid him farewell. It’s such a tragedy. I imagine it must have been a surprise for everyone, for him most of all. Please do tell me if they figure out what kind of illness it is that has put my father to an early grave. It’s scary, not knowing what exactly caused his symptoms. Until then, please be careful. I don’t want you to catch it too. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As for your inquiry about my wellbeing: It was a good decision to leave the hectic city behind for a while. My dear friend Ben, who offered to accompany me on my trip, is ensuring life out here doesn’t become too boring. The days we have spent in my country house have been wonderful so far. I wish we could stay here forever. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But of course I understand that there are duties waiting for me in the city. I will return as soon as possible to handle all matters regarding the funeral, the family’s business, inheritance, and anything else that needs my attention.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I must, again, thank you for your assistance in these trying times. You have proven yourself to be a true friend. I will forever be in your debt, and I will never stop being grateful for everything you have done for me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope this letter reaches you well. I will be back soon. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Until then, take care of yourself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>     -  Armitage Hux </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hux is still pretty badly shaken after everything that happened in the last chapter. In a conversation he admits that he is scared of Brendol and implies that Brendol would be capable of physically hurting him. None of that is overly graphic.<br/>The promised Minor Character Death also happens here, and it's very similar to how it happened in canon.</p><p>Thank you for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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